


From the Land of Ice and Snow

by bleuvelvet



Series: The Impala Chronicles [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Episode Fix-It: s15e20 Carry On, Fix-It, Guilty Castiel (Supernatural), Guilty Dean Winchester, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Post-Canon, Self-Worth Issues, asking for a friend, blatant abuse of classic rock songs, can classic rock songs also be listed as characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:48:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 23,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27692348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bleuvelvet/pseuds/bleuvelvet
Summary: Dean has made it into Heaven.  So have his brother, his parents, and just about everyone else that he's called a friend or family over the years.  It's great. It's awesome, even.  Except... there's one particular angel that is conspicuously absent from Dean's almost perfect afterlife; though Dean knows he's flitting around Heaven somewhere.Dean sets out to find him.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester, John Winchester/Mary Winchester, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Series: The Impala Chronicles [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2128149
Comments: 24
Kudos: 234





	1. Fresh as the Bright Blue Sky

**Author's Note:**

> Like many of you, I watched 15x19 and 15x20 and went "that can't be it." I tried not to write a fix-it...I really wasn't going to, but apparently I'm bad at not doing things.
> 
> This fic came to life because of a throwaway comment made to a friend about Dean hunting Cas down in Heaven, because Cas is too afraid to face him after confessing, and Dean having none of it. Also, I feel like Dean would get bored real quick with nothing to do.
> 
> Title from Led Zeppelin's Immigrant Song, because of course it is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Sweet Child O' Mine- Guns N' Roses

It was great seeing Bobby again; Dean thinks as he drives away in the Impala. His Bobby, and not that almost-but-not-quite-right Apocalypse world one. The man had been more of a father to him than his own, he can admit to himself now. 

Bobby, whom they had stayed with over the summers, when they were too young to go with their father on hunts. It was Bobby that had taught Dean how to pick locks and taught Sam how to do long division. He had helped Dean bandage his knuckles after fights with the local kids and nurtured Sam's love of research. Bobby had been the one to teach Sam and Dean the true essence of family.

As Dean drives, he thinks about who he is most excited to see now that he’s on the other side. His mother, of course, is one. His father, less so. For all that Dean knows the man had loved him and his brother, he also knows that John had not been a good father. He’d been too bitter and broken from his wife's death for that. There were so many things wrong with how John had raised them. Dean can see that now. Because of Cas.

His heart lurches in his chest and he stomps on the brake, bringing Baby to a hard stop in the middle of the dusty road.

 _Cas_. Who until now he’s been expecting to pop in out of nowhere on a silent rustle of feathers. Who hadn’t been there to greet him at Heaven’s Roadhouse, like he had hoped. Whom he’d left to rot in the Empty.

Guilt claws at him. _He’d left Cas in the Empty._ And to make it even worse, Cas had died not knowing how Dean felt about him. He had died thinking that he could never have the love that he wanted.

Dean hadn’t even been able to respond, at the time. To tell Cas his own truth. At first, it had been because he’d been in shock at what was happening. Trapped in a room with literal Death pounding at the door and no way out. And yet... 

He knew- he _knew_ \- from the very moment that Cas started his speech what was coming, and he had begged Cas not to say it. He couldn't bare for him to say it. Because if he did, that would make it true, and if was made true then it meant Cas would leave him. Everyone that had ever loved Dean eventually left him.

But Cas had said it anyway. And it felt so good to hear him say it. For one, single second, Dean's heart rejoiced in knowing his feelings were returned. And then, in the next second, Cas was saying goodbye and pushing him aside. Dean had to watch that inky black swallow his best friend and he couldn’t do anything about it. And then Sam had called and called and called while Dean wallowed in his grief at having watched Cas sacrifice himself with a smile on his face and tears streaming from his eyes. He sat on that floor, curled into himself like he could block out what had just happened, whispering out a wet 'me too' at the empty room, knowing the one it was intended for would never hear it.

He didn't know how long he spent on that floor, ignoring his phone before reality returned to him. Dean had wanted to ignore Sam so badly, had wanted to give up then and there, he knew he couldn’t. Cas wouldn’t have wanted him to.

So, he had picked up the phone, called Sam back, and met him in that empty town.

Everyone had disappeared. Everyone. Chuck had snuffed out every single life on the planet and it became a game to try and figure out what the god would do next and how they could beat him. Luckily, they’d discovered Jack’s new upgrade and plans were put in motion. In the end, Chuck was left powerless and cursed to live a human life where he was no longer the author of anyone’s fate.

Dean thought Cas would have been proud of him.

But he hadn’t even thought to ask Jack to get Cas out. He’d just...assumed. Jack had said that he was going to make everything right, and he thought that meant Cas, too. If Chuck could pull Lucifer from the Empty, then Jack should have easily been able to save his father.

But then, Cas never visited. Dean waited for days for the angel to show up. He prayed, silently, for him to appear so they could talk and only got silence. And he figured that was his answer. Cas might have loved him when he was taken by the Empty. That didn’t mean he still did. Dean was too late. Dean was too little.

Jesus, no wonder Cas didn’t want to see him in Heaven. The man he loved had left him to rot in a blank, empty hell. Dean wouldn’t want to see him either.

He swallows as the one thing he’d been very carefully not been thinking about surfaces. Cas had said that he loved him. And while a part of Dean hopes that is still true, he has to accept that Cas might have changed his mind after being left for dead. Again. After having been used by the brothers, and Dean especially, time and time again with neither of them expressing how much the angel meant to them.

No, Cas isn't coming to him, and he can't blame the angel one bit for it.

Dean grips the steering wheel tightly and releases the brake. He keeps driving.

*

He’s been going down the same back road for another forty or so minutes when he comes across a small bridge and something urges him to stop, so he does. He throws the car into park, turns off the engine and gets out, enjoying the sight of a peaceful river and sunlight glinting through fall foliage, a light breeze stirring the air.

Dean goes to the railing and leans on it. It's not long before he feels something shift behind him and he _knows._ “Hey, Sammy,” he says, grinning. He turns around and there his little brother stands, looking like he’d last seen him, too big, awkward and looming.

He goes to his little brother- how can he not? - and wraps him in a tight hug. Sammy looks good; like he lived a full and happy life. Dean is proud. His Sam lived the life he was meant to have, and nothing could make Dean happier.

 _Well, there is one thing that would be nice,_ his mind whispers before he shuts the thought down. They stand together at the bridge railing in silence, basking in each other’s presence before Sam asks about the others.

“I don’t really know,” Dean admits. “I haven’t actually been here long. Time works differently in Heaven.”

Sam’s brow wrinkles a bit at that, so Dean adds, “I did see Bobby at the Roadhouse when I got here.”

“Our Bobby?”

He turns away from where he’d been leaning over the railing and heads back to the Impala. “Yeah. He looked good. Happy.”

Sam follows him to the car and gets in the passenger side as Dean starts the car. “Bobby looking happy. Weird."

Dean laughs. "Yeah, you got that right. Still, it was nice."

"And you didn’t see anyone else?”

Dean shakes his head. “Just got in the car and drove for a while.”

“Not even Cas?” And Dean can’t help himself, for a moment, he flinches at the question. 

“No. No Cas.” The pause is too long, Dean knows it. He knows Sam notices it, but his brother ignores it.

“Um, Cas _is_ around, isn't he?”

The corner of Dean’s mouth twitches into a grimace. “Yeah, Sammy. Cas got out. Bobby said he helped Jack remake Heaven.”

“Oh.” And Dean knows that tone of voice. That sympathetic tone that says _I’m so sorry, Dean_ and he can’t hear it. Not right now. “Dean-”

“I’m sure he’s just been busy,” Dean says firmly over Sam. “Guy always did have more going on than he’d tell us.” It’s weak, even to Dean’s ears, but he doesn’t even want to think about the other possibility.

Instead, he asks about Eileen. Did Sam ever get around to putting a ring on it? Sam laughs and tells him ‘yeah.’ They’d been married for almost fifty years before Sam had kicked the bucket. They named their oldest son Dean.

Dean isn’t sure whether to be pleased or horrified. He teases Sam about it instead.

Gradually, silence falls over the car as Dean drives. The sun is edging towards the horizon, and isn’t that something? They have actual day and night cycles here. Sunsets. Clouds. Dust. It’s organic, not sterile like how the others had described it to him before. Beautiful.

It’s starting to feel late when Sam finally breaks the quiet. “Uh, Dean? Where are we going?”

Oh, right. Dean has just been driving, no destination in mind. And, while it seems like he can’t get tired, it's still a little strange to just keep driving and never stop. Never mind that, now that he stops to think about it, they haven’t run into another soul since they got in the car.

Maybe it’s time to change that. So, he turns the car around and heads back the way they came. It isn’t long before he sees the neon lights in the distance. Dean suspects Heaven mojo-fuckery in how they get there so quickly despite having driven all day, but he’s grateful and decides not to question it. Also, the Impala has been at three-quarters full the entire day, just like how he'd left it when he'd died.

“Is that the Roadhouse?”

Dean grins at his brother. “You betcha.”

Sam looks over at him in disbelief. “Dude, why didn’t we come here right away?”

Dean shrugs. “Guess I just wanted to spend some time doing one of my favorite things with one of my favorite people.”

Sam’s face goes soft at the admission. “Aw, Dean, that’s so sweet,” he says before grinning widely. “C’mere,” he says, reaching across the seat and making grabby hands.

“Enough with the chick-flick moment.” Dean bats his hands away as he pulls into the parking lot. It’s considerably more crowded than it had been when he’d left earlier that day, but there’s still a spot wide-open near the entrance.

“You started it,” Sam says as he parks.

“Yeah, well, I’m ending it.” He can hear music coming from the bar as he gets out of the car. Led Zeppelin, if he’s not mistaken, and he never is when it comes to the greats.

When he opens the door to the bar he’s greeted with a rousing cheer and two slight bodies flinging themselves at him, one topped with blonde hair and the other red. “Dean,” they yell in unison. His arms come up around them automatically, crushing Jo and Charlie to his chest.

“Hey! Hey, okay,” he says as he squeezes them close before patting them on the back. He can hear sniffling under the music, and it breaks his heart a little to see how much they missed him.

After a few more moments, both women let him go, wiping tears from their faces. “We’re so happy to see you!” Charlie exclaims. “Uh, I mean, not that we’re happy that you’re _dead,_ ” she clarifies, and it makes Dean smile to see that Charlie is still the same. “That part sucks. But we missed you! And you look good! Well, I mean of course you do, it’s Heaven-” before she can continue to ramble more, Jo elbows Charlie in the side, cutting her off.

“I think what she means,” Jo says, picking up where Charlie left off as Charlie goes to hug Sam as well, “is that we’re glad to see you even if the circumstances are less than ideal.” 

Dean can’t help but feel his gaze soften and become fond when he looks at Jo. It’s been so long since she died, and he can’t help but be glad that she’s here. “Hey, Jo.”

Jo grins at him. “Hey, Dean."

“Dean! Sam!” Ellen pushes between the girls and wraps both men in a hug. “You finally made it. We were waiting for you.”

Dean rubs his hand through the hair on the back of his head. “Uh, yeah? Sorry, Ellen. Wanted to take a drive first.” He looks around the bar, full of old friends, hunters, and family. “Also, we didn’t know this was happening.”

Ellen grins up at him. “You think you can just die and not get a ‘welcome to Heaven’ party?” She holds up a glass of amber-colored liquid. “Drink up. And then go find your mom. She misses you.” She leaves him to go back behind the bar, pulling a beer into a pint glass for Rufus.

He turns and grins at Sam before taking a drink from his glass. He raises his eyebrows in surprise at what he finds in the glass and then quickly takes a bigger sip. “Damn, Sammy, she did not spare us on the good stuff.”

Sam takes a sip from his own glass and then nods in agreement. “It’s good.”

“It’s better than good, Sam,” Dean says, slapping his brother on his back. “It’s awesome. Now, let’s go find Mom.”

They work their way through the room greeting old friends. Finally, he spots his mom in a quieter corner with John and another tall man with his back facing towards him. As he gets closer, he sees that the man is dark-haired and wearing a tan coat. His heart seizes and then starts beating furiously.

“Cas!”

The man swings around fast, mouth open in surprise. Blue eyes lock onto his own green and Dean is suddenly pushing through the crowd, desperately trying to get to the angel. “Cas!”

His view gets blocked by Rufus coming to say ‘hi’ and by the time he makes it to the table with his mother, Cas is gone. He stares at the empty spot for a moment before turning to Mary. “I didn’t just imagine the blue-eyed angel in a dirty trench coat, did I?”

His mother gives him an amused look. “No. Cas just stopped by to say his hellos.” She takes a sip of her drink. “He was just telling me to give you his regrets that he couldn’t stay.”

Dean feels the hand not holding his drink tighten into a fist. “That little…”

He feels a hand rest on his. “Dean?”

He looks up into Mary's concerned, blue eyes. He feels the tension bleed from his body. “Hey, Mom,” he says, smiling weakly. “It’s good to see you.” He pulls her into a hug.

“It’s good to see you, too,” she says, returning the hug. “Both of you.” She pulls Sam into a slightly longer hold. Behind her, Dean watches as their father stands to greet them.

“Hello, Dean. Sam.” He holds his hand out to shake, clapping each of them on the shoulder. It’s just as well he doesn’t try to hug them since Dean isn’t sure either him or Sam are ready for that level of contact with their father, yet.

They sit back down at the table and catch up. It’s good, talking to his mom again. He's missed her. Hell, he missed his dad too. A little. It's complicated, with his father, and he's not quite ready to explore all his emotions surrounding the older man. Others stop by to talk with him and Sam, but for the most part, it’s just the four of them sitting in that corner, catching up. They’re something like a family for the first time since Mary Winchester burned to death on the ceiling of their home in Lawrence. Dean doesn’t ever remember feeling so content.

At some point, Sam goes to get them drinks. After a while, Dean realizes he’s been gone too long and goes to find his brother. He finds him at the bar, four beers in front of him, and an unreadable expression on his face.

“Everything alright, Sammy?”

His brother continues to squint at the empty space for a moment before turning to Dean. “Yeah.”

Dean peers up at his younger brother. “You sure. You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” He grins at his own cheesy joke.

The haunted expression on Sam’s face grows and now Dean is concerned. Really concerned. “Sam, what is it?”

He watches as Sam’s jaw moves, like he’s chewing on whether to say the next thing he’s thinking. After a few moments, he seems to come to a decision and squares himself to Dean. “Did you know Cas was there?” Before Dean can ask, Sam clarifies. “The night you died. Cas was there.”

Dean stares at him. “What?” He can barely get the word past his lips.

Sam nods. “He didn’t want me to tell you, but I think you need to know.” He sits down heavily on a stool and takes a gulp from one of the beers.

“Tell me what, Sam?” Still Sam hesitates and for some reason that makes Dean angry. “You’ve already gone this far, Sam. You might as well tell me the rest.”

“Right, yeah.” He runs a hand through his hair. “Cas...Jack wasn’t able to pull him from the Empty right away. It took time.”

Dean finds a seat on the stool next to his brother. “How much time?”

“Days, Dean. It took Jack days to get Cas out.” Sam starts to talk faster. “He was still getting used to his powers and even to him the Empty is pretty vast and hard to navigate. Time works differently there as well.” He takes another long pull from his glass. So does Dean. “Cas arrived just in time to see a Reaper take you away.”

“Jesus.” He wipes a wand over his face, the fingers of his other hand tight around the cold glass. Sam reaches over to lay a hand on his forearm. 

“Dean, Cas thinks he failed you. That he failed us.”

“What?!” He whips his head up to stare at his brother. “Why would he think that? I died because I wasn’t careful enough during a hunt. It was bound to happen sooner or later.”

Sam shakes his head. “That’s not how he sees it. He thinks he should have been there to heal you. That it’s his fault you died.”

Dean scowls at his beer. “That idiot.”

“I know. I tried to tell him that I forgave him. That there was nothing to forgive, really.” Sam sighs. “He wouldn’t listen to me.” He turns to fully face his brother. “But maybe he’ll listen to you.”

“What do you mean?”

Sam bites his lip, clearly uncomfortable with what he’s about to say next. “Cas...clearly looks up to you. And, Dean, I don’t know what happened between you two at the bunker before the Empty took him, but-”

“No, you don’t,” Dean says, tensing at the mention of that day. He doesn’t want to talk about it. He doesn’t ever want to talk about how he failed Cas. About how he never got to tell him- no. He can’t even think about it. It’s too much.

Sam must read it in his face, because he holds up his hands, placating. “I’m not asking you to tell me what happened. I’m just saying that Cas has always held your opinion in high regard. He’ll listen to you.”

Dean’s shaking his head before Sam even finishes. “No, Sam, you got it all wrong. Didn’t you see how he reacted when I called out to him?”

“Yeah, but, Dean-”

“Sammy, drop it.”

Instead of dropping it, Sam’s expression gets harder. “No, Dean. I’m not going to ‘drop it’. I’m tired of dancing around your feelings for Cas. Feelings he clearly reciprocates.”

“You don’t know that.”

It's Sam's turn to shake his head at Dean. “You didn’t see him in that barn, Dean. You didn’t watch him fall apart while holding your body.” He clutches at Dean’s shoulders. “You didn’t listen to him beg Jack to let him bring you back.” Dean watches as tears fall from his brother’s eyes. “I’ve never seen him so broken, Dean. He begged and pleaded until Jack came-”

“ _Jack_ showed up?”

The corners of Sam’s mouth flicker up in a brief smile. “Yeah. He came to explain how he was upholding Billie’s proclamation that those that die should stay dead, unless there were extreme extenuating circumstances.” He let go of Dean’s shoulders and went back to nursing his drink. “He said that the death you had was one of the many that had been written for you. He said he was sorry, but that you would be at peace and that I’d see you soon.” He finishes his drink and picks up another of the beers that are in front of him. “Then, he took Cas with him and I guess they’ve been up here remodeling Heaven since.”

Dean’s heart is racing. His palms start to sweat as his mind runs through all the what-ifs. If what Sam said is true, then maybe there is hope. Maybe Castiel still loves him. Maybe Cas didn’t hold a grudge against him for being stuck in the Empty. And maybe…

“Wait,” he says instead, his mind catching up to the other details in Sam’ story. “How did he and Jack get back here in time to remodel Heaven before I got here?”

Sam shrugs ruefully. “I just got here myself. You’ll have to ask Jack that. Even better,” he smirks, “ask Cas.”

“Oh, I intend to,” Dean mutters darkly into his last of his beer. “I’m going to hunt that feather-brained little idiot down and shake him until his sense kicks in. Maybe I’ll even tie him up for good measure.”

“Ew. TMI, dude.”

“Shut up, Sammy.” Dean grabs the other now-warm beer and motions for Ellen to serve up two more fresh ones. “Bitch.”

“Jerk,” Sam replies, officially ending the chick-flick moment.

“One problem, though.”

“Oh?”

Dean bites at his lip. “How the hell do I pin down a 'multi-dimensional wavelength of celestial intent' that can teleport wherever he wants?”

“Sounds like a personal problem.” Sam stands and collects one of the fresh beers along with his half-drunk one. “But maybe see if Jack will help?”

Dean collects his share of the drinks and they make their way back to the table their parents have been waiting for them at. “Yeah. I’ll do that.”

But tomorrow. Tonight, he was going to catch up and enjoy the presence of friends and family he hadn’t seen in years.

Tomorrow, he's going angel-hunting.

*

Dean wakes up late the next morning in his old bedroom. For a moment, he wonders if he’s dreamed his entire life. But then it all comes rushing back to him. The hunt, the pain and pressure through his back, Bobby. He’s dead and he’s in Heaven lying in a bed much bigger than his childhood one that had been in his childhood home.

When he finally gets out of bed, he notes that he’s in sleep pants and a T-shirt, like he normally wears when he’s somewhere he feels safe and comfortable. He makes his way through the house and down to the kitchen on the barest hints of memory alone.

He’s filling a glass with water from the tap when the night comes rushing back to him. Cas was there. The angel had been in that very bar, less than twenty feet from Dean, and had run away before Dean had the chance to talk to him. He also remembers telling Sam of his intent to hunt the angel down and demand answers.

 _Well, no time like the present,_ Dean thinks to himself, and decides to start with the easiest and most obvious solution. He prays to Cas.

It’s easier than he thinks it would be, like falling into a well-worn routine. He pictures Cas’s face; those blue eyes, full lips, permanent dark stubble and starts talking quietly to himself. “Cas, I hope you can hear me, wherever you are. We need to talk. There’s something I need to tell you and I want to say it to your face. Please, Cas. If you can hear me, come find me.”

He says a similar version of the same prayer throughout the day. He tries not to dwell on it each time the prayer goes unanswered. Cas hasn’t always been able to answer right away, so Dean figures it’s not too far out of the realm of possibility that Cas is busy. That doesn't mean his prayers don't get more insulting as the day wears on and there's no answer.

Sam catches him at it once when he goes to the kitchen to refill his glass after dinner. They had spent the day with their parents, trying to be a family. It had been awkward, but good. 

Dean shrugs at him. “Figured it couldn’t hurt to try before chasing him all over Heaven.”

Sam gives him a sympathetic smile that causes Dean to scowl. “Shut up.”

“I didn’t say anything,” Sam says, holding up his hands and sitting down next to his brother at the island. “So, what’s on the agenda for tomorrow then?”

Dean fidgets with his tumbler of bourbon. “If Cas doesn’t answer, then it’s on to the big guns.”

“Jack,” Sam surmises.

He tilts his glass at his brother making a popping sound with his tongue. “Yahtzee.”

“Do you think he’ll answer?”

Dean shrugs. “Won’t know until I try. I know he’s got this whole ‘hands-off’ approach to life now, but considering it has to do with his father, and I’m not technically alive...”

“You think he’ll help because it’s for Cas?”

Dean twirls the glass in his hand, entranced by the swirling amber as the light bounces off it at different angles. “I don’t think he pulled Cas out of the Empty to be miserable for all eternity.” His heart pounds as he considers his next words. His throat feels tight. “I ain’t sayin’ Cas wants to be with me after everything that’s happened between us, but I want to at least try.”

He feels Sam reach over and grip his forearm. “Cas loves you, Dean. If the past several years hadn’t proved that, the night you died would have.”

“Then why ain’t he here?” Dean whispers brokenly, looking at his brother. His vision blurs with unshed tears.

“I don’t know,” Sam answers. “If I had to guess, I’d say he’s feeling guilty, too. He probably thinks it’s better if he stays away.” There’s a pause before Sam adds, “it wouldn’t be the first time.”

Dean drains the liquor in his glass. “I swear, when I find that stupid son-of-a-bitch…” He trails off, not exactly sure what he’ll do when he sees the angel again.

“You’ll grip him tight and raise him from perdition?” Sam’s voice takes on Cas’s signature gravel as he says it. Sam hadn't even been there when Cas had said that, but it was one of Dean's favorite parts of meeting the angel, so he always makes sure to include it when retelling the tale.

A laugh forces its way out of Dean. “Something like that.”

Sam gives him a hearty pat on the shoulder before heading back to the dining room where they’d been playing poker with their parents. It’s been an interesting game. All of them are accomplished card sharks, but other than Sam and Dean, no one really knows the others tells, so everyone has had a chance to pull a lead.

 _Please Cas,_ Dean prays again.

And this time, Dean feels something; like a small door being closed softly. Dean shuts his eyes at the feeling and a sense of grief flows over him, tightening in his chest and throat. He leans his head onto the countertop in front of him and the tears that had threatened to spill earlier slide down his face.

Cas closed Dean’s connection to him. He heard Dean but won’t be answering his prayers any time soon. For a few minutes, Dean allows the sadness to overtake him, but then it is quickly followed by anger.

 _Fine then,_ he thinks as he sits back up and wipes his face dry. _If you won’t do this the easy way, then I’ll do it the hard way. And you should know, Cas, I_ like _the hard way._

Resolve renewed in hunting down the angel, he rejoins his brother and parents in their card game and silently makes plans on how to hunt down an angel in their own habitat.

*

He gets up early the next day and starts packing, all the while furiously praying to Jack. He doesn’t know if the kid will answer him, he hopes he does, but he also can’t just sit on his ass anymore when his angel is out there, and he has a chance to be with him.

He’s loading up the Impala when Jack appears to him in a displaced shimmer of air and puff of dust.

"Hey, Dean," Jack says, hand raised awkwardly in the air.

Dean can't help but smile at the kid. Jack hasn't changed one bit from the kid he was even before he absorbed Chuck's powers and it loosens some tension in his chest to see it.

"Hey, kid," he replies before pulling him into a rough hug. "Good to see you."

He can feel the kid smile against his shoulder as Jack returns the hug. "Good to see you, too," he says when they pull away from each other.

"So, you here to help me find your father?" Dean figures there's no point beating around the bush at this juncture. If Jack is here, it's because he heard his prayer and knows what Dean is going to ask anyway.

Jack bites at his lip, fingers fidgeting restless before answering. "Um, well, not as such." He at least has the decency to look apologetic as he answers.

"Jack," Dean scolds.

"I can't! Not without infringing on his free will." The kid really does look broken up about it. "But I can give you a start."

At this point, Dean will take anything he can get. "A start?"

Jack smiles at him, the awkward shy one that tells Dean he just wants to do what is right but is still afraid of what Dean will think of him. Dean regrets that he's the cause of such an expression on any kid's face, let alone his own. "I can tell you he's heading north. I gave him the task of tweaking some individual heavens… we're still working out some kinks."

"Okay…" Dean's mind is already working on how he can use this information. Obviously, Heaven is currently set up like Earth, but with some weird mojo that can make distances longer or shorter depending on the soul's intent. He thinks that's how it works, at least.

"If you can figure out where he'll be next, you might be able to beat him there." Dean's heart thuds in his chest. So, that's the catch then. He has to figure out where the cosmic being is going to be before said cosmic being can catch on and avoid him.

Well, a chance is a chance and Dean has worked with less. He'll take it. He nods a thanks to Jack.

"There's one more thing I can do," Jack says before laying two fingers on his forehead. Dean really needs ask why celestial beings like to do that someday.

"What was that for?"

"It will hide you from his Sight." The way Jack says the word implies more than just good old regular eyesight. "He won't know you're looking for him, or when you get near."

Dean smiles at Jack and pulls him into another hug. "Thanks, kid."

"It's my pleasure, Dean." Jack returns the smile, bright and full of mirth. "Please make my dad happy."

Dean smirks. "I intend to." And with that, he's getting into Baby and turning the engine over. 'Nightrain' is already playing over the speakers. He gives the stereo an odd look before deciding to leave it and swinging the steering wheel around, heading north towards clear blue skies.

Behind him, in the rearview mirror, Jack waves. "Good luck," he says, even though there is no one to hear him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs referenced in this chapter not yet listed: Ramble On- Led Zeppelin (I couldn't resist) and Nightrain- Guns N' Roses
> 
> Thank you for reading! Please consider comments or kudos if you liked this work!


	2. Skip It Across Green River

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Green River- CCR (In case it was in question.)

Dean is only driving for a couple hours before he comes upon a rather quaint one-story rancher surrounded by trees. The house looks normal, except for the fact that it is plopped completely, unceremoniously in the middle of a dusty field. Taking a chance that this may have been one of the ‘individual heavens’ that Jack had been talking about, he turns off the road and drives across the flat earth.

He parks the Impala by the walk, turns the car off, and stares at the house for a moment. He’s not sure what to expect when he gets out of the car, or what he’s going to do, but he has a feeling he’s on to something with this place. He gets out of the car and as he approaches the front door, a man steps out. He’s vaguely familiar with dark brown hair and beard, a scar on his left cheek.

“Can I help you?” the man asks.

Dean gives him his ‘I am an innocent man and in no way trouble’ grin. “I hope so. I’m looking for someone.”

The man squints at him. “In Heaven? I thought most people were supposed to be surrounded by all the company they could ever want or need.” Dean stops a few feet away from the man and looks around pointedly at the desolate field the man’s house is in the middle of.

He shrugs good-naturedly. “Apparently there are still some glitches. And I wasn’t that close to very many people when I was alive. At least none that are dead, yet.

Dean latches on to the word ‘glitches’ and holds out a hand to the man to shake. “I’m Dean Winchester. You wouldn’t have happened to have had a blue-eyed angel in a tan trench coat stop by recently, have you?”

The man takes his hand and shakes it. “As a matter of fact, I have.” There’s a moment of silence before the man narrows his eyes and gives Dean’s face a closer look. “Winchester?” He asks, and Dean just barely keeps himself from wincing, knowing what’s coming next. “You wouldn’t happen to be related to Mary Winchester, would you?”

Dean’s eyes widen in surprised delight and he grins at the man. “You know my mom?”

“Know her?” The man laughs. “She’s the reason I went into hunting. Name’s Asa Fox.”

Dean frowns in thought. “I know that name…” It comes to him in a flash. His mother, a demon, Jody possessed. “I was at your funeral with my mom.”

Asa grins. “Yeah? I feel like I should be honored. Having two such distinguished hunters there to light my pyre.”

“Nah, man,” Dean says, shaking his head. “The honor was all ours. You’re a legend...were a legend?” Asa laughs so Dean figures he isn’t too offended. “This whole being dead thing makes it a little complicated," he explains.

“Or it makes things much simpler.” He gestures to the door of his house. “Did you want to come in for a bit?”

Dean considers the invitation. On one hand, he wants to find Cas as soon as possible. He has confirmation that the angel came by here and then seems to have moved on. On the other hand, Asa is a legend and trading stories with him would be a dream come true. After another moment of chewing on his bottom lip, Dean regretfully declines the invitation. “I’m on a bit of time crunch, you know?”

Asa gives him a look that somehow conveys confusion and amusement all at once. “We’re in Heaven. We ain’t got nothin’ but time.”

He rubs at the back of his neck with one hand, feeling the short hairs there bristle against his palm. “Well, you see, it’s about the angel I asked you about earlier…”

The other man fixes him with a deep, penetrating stare before grinning widely. “I think I understand.”

“Yeah, so… You wouldn’t happen to know which way he headed?”

Asa appears to think about it for a moment. “You know...maybe I do.” He steps a little way from his door and onto the walk and turns slowly as if to orient himself. Finally, he settles facing what would have been north and a little east on Earth, based on the sun’s current position. He points in that direction. “Some folks have been having problems with a river that way that keeps flooding. No one can figure out why, since it shouldn’t happen at all.” He turns to face Dean again. “If I had to guess, I’d say your angel went there next.”

Dean reaches out and shakes Asa’s hand again. “Thank you, man. That’s a huge help.” He heads to his car. “I’ll definitely take you up on that invitation some other time.”

Asa waves him down. “If you can, invite your mother as well. There are some things I never got a chance to tell her that I think she needs to hear.”

“Understood,” Dean nods and gets back into Baby. He turns her on, and this time ‘Proud Mary’ is playing. Again, he leaves it. It’s as good a song as any, he supposes.

He reaches what he thinks is the right place around nightfall. There’s a wide river separating rolling green hills from the flat fields of the side he is currently on. In the distance, he can see the glow of lights, indicating that there’s at least a few buildings grouped together to make up a small community.

His problem, in this instance, is that there doesn’t seem to be a bridge in sight, and he has no idea in which direction, or how far along, the river he’ll need to go to find one. He decides to bunk down for the night in the Impala and come at the problem again in the morning.

He climbs into the backseat and curls up into the leather upholstery, coat draped over his shoulders. He falls asleep easily, surrounded by the comforting presence of the one place he’s always been able to call home.

*

Dean startles awake to a tapping on the car window and reflexively grabs for a gun that isn’t there. He squints around blearily in the early morning light until he locates the source of the noise. His eyes widen in disbelief at the woman grinning down at him from behind the glass.

“Annie?!” He blindly reaches for the door handle and shoves himself out of the Impala to wrap the woman up in a tight hug.

“Dean!” She hugs him back just as tightly. “It’s good to see you!”

He puts her down gently before pulling away. “You, too. We, uh, weren’t sure what would happen to you. After.” He shifts uncomfortably, not sure how to finish his sentence.

Thankfully, Annie just claps him on the shoulder and laughs. “After you released me from being a ghost?”

“Yeah.” He smiles at her again before something behind her catches his attention. “Is that a ferry?”

She turns to look at the boat behind her. “It is. Something told me I needed to come out here this morning. Looks like it was a good thing I listened.”

“Yeah,” Dean says faintly, sending a quick prayer of thanks to Jack. There’s almost no way his son didn’t have something to do with this.

Annie gestures to the Impala. “Ready to load her up?”

In answer, Dean makes his way to the driver’s seat and starts the car. They make quick work of loading Baby onto the ferry and securing her to the deck, so that she doesn’t roll around from the slight rocking as they cross the river.

“So, what brings you out this way?” Annie asks as she starts the boat. “I didn’t really think what we had was good enough for me to feature in your heaven.” She grins over at him.

Dean chokes on his own spit. “What? No! I mean, it was nice, not gonna lie, but-” His stumbling comes to a halt when Annie laughs.

“Dean, don’t worry. I’m not looking for any sort of commitment here. Or reenactment.”

“Right.”

She smirks at him. “It’s just so fun to tease you. Do you want to tell me why you _are_ here?”

So, Dean uses the rest of the short trip across the river to explain to her how he’s on a mission to chase down his own personal angel.

“You might be in luck,” she says as they dock the boat. “He went upstream to check if there was anything interfering with the source of the river last night. He was supposed to come back to let us know what he found. I don’t think he’s checked back in, yet.”

There’s a hopeful tug in Dean’s chest at her words. His heart beats nervously at the thought of possibly seeing Cas again so soon. “Did he give you a time for when that would be exactly?”

Annie shakes her head regretfully. “He just said he’d be back some time today to let us know either way.” Her expression darkens. “If he could get back.”

Dean narrows his gaze at her. “What do you mean ‘if he could’? He’s an angel. Why wouldn’t he be able to?”

Annie purses her lips, obviously thinking about how to answer. “I think,” she starts slowly, “when Jack opened Heaven up, something went a little wrong. Something isn’t quite right.” Dean gears up to defend his son, but she forestalls him with a hand. “I’m not criticizing him. Or Cas. Just that Jack was still new to the gig. Is still new. And hasn’t worked all the kinks out, yet.”

He’s about to ask her for more information but is interrupted by a great clanging. Annie whips around to look upriver, alarmed. “Shit! We don’t have much time. The river is surging!”

Dean doesn’t even hesitate. “What do you need me to do?”

“Take the Impala and cram as many folks as you can into it and drive east. There’s a hill that’s high enough to protect you from the worst of it.” She’s already untying the car from its moorings and lowering the gate to the dock.

“What about you?”

Annie shakes her head. “The surge isn’t high enough to swamp the ferry. We have a system. People that are closest to the docks come here to wait it out. I need you to help those further out.”

Dean gives a short nod and climbs into the car and starts her up. He pulls off the boat as fast as he safely can. Later, he’ll wonder why it matters. They’re in Heaven. It’s not like they can die again. In the moment, however, he does as Annie asks of him. He drives around to the outer edge of the village, where people are already heading out towards a hill he can see in the distance.

He pulls up beside a family and rolls the window down. “Need a lift?” He asks, eyebrow cocked.

The family gratefully piles in, the parents yelling at another straggler nearby to hurry up. Once everyone is in, Dean takes off. A moment later, in the rearview mirror, he watches as the water crashes through the area where the houses are. Annie was right, it’s not like a wave, exactly. It’s like one moment there isn’t any water and the next there is; like a badly rendered screen in a game.

It’s horrifying and fascinating all at once. And it’s creeping closer, so Dean steps on the gas a little harder and races up the hill. They get to the top unscathed, and Dean is relieved to see that the water doesn’t go above a certain level, still well below the top of the hill. It’s still enough to leave most homes submerged.

They’re trapped on top of the hill for several hours. He learns that the family is from an old hunting lineage. Their story is tragic in the way only a hunter’s story can be. A bad hunt from being misinformed. Running from their mistake to protect their kids. Not being fast enough. Dean can’t imagine how someone, even knowing the type of monsters they usually hunt, could bring themselves to kill two kids in cold blood, even if the revenge on the parent was justifiable. The only relief he feels is that the kids don’t seem too troubled by the events. They don’t even remember their deaths; they just know that they are dead. The parents think Jack, or whomever wrote the rules for Heaven, erased the event from the kids’ minds. If Dean is grateful, the parents are doubly so.

And then, as suddenly as the water appeared, it’s gone. Dean watches as it recedes, one section at a time, when something catches his attention. Deep down in the water, an inky blackness writhes around before being surrounded by threads of light, and then it’s gone. Dean blinks, unsure if he’d seen what he thought he saw. The moment had lasted only for a second; it could have just been his imagination. Or something that had been trapped in the water that disappeared as it receded.

He piles the family and their friend back into the car and starts down the hill. They assured him that now the water has disappeared, it’s safe to go back. He drops them off near their homes and then continues to the dock where he’d left Annie.

He finds her easily enough. She’s talking to a tall, dark-haired man and Dean’s heart nearly stops because he recognizes that figure, though he’s sans the tan trench coat and dark suit this time. Cas’s back is to him and he barely keeps himself from calling out his name. It hadn’t worked out so well last time and Dean can learn from his mistakes. Annie notices him, makes like she wants to call out to him, but he gives a subtle shake of his head. The look she gives him back is somewhat puzzled, but she goes back to her conversation.

Cas seems to have either not noticed the odd interlude, or chalked it up to weird human behavior, because he doesn’t turn around. Dean walks up behind until he's within arm's reach and says, "hey, Cas."

And Cas _startles._ Dean has never seen anything like it from the angel. His whole body tenses and for just a moment Dean swears he can see something dark and iridescent shimmer out from Cas’s back. The angel whips around to face him, blue eyes wide. “Dean.”

Dean’s heart pounds at the sound of his name said in that rough voice. His palms sweat and he’s forgotten what he wanted to say. He knows he wants to yell at Cas for disappearing on him. Shout at him until the angel understands that he shouldn’t leave Dean ever again. Tell him its not okay to confess his love and then die, leaving Dean to pick up the pieces of his broken heart, but for some reason the words don’t come. He just stares.

Unfortunately, it gives Cas the opening he needs. He glances over his shoulder at Annie. Tells her he’ll take care of it- whatever ‘it’ is- and disappears. Again, Dean sees the shadowy oil slick shimmer in the air before Cas is gone. He blinks at the empty space the angel occupied, calling himself every name in the book for letting the angel get away.

When he comes back to himself, he realizes Annie is staring at him, amused. “What was that all about?” She asks.

Dean shrugs, struggling to remain calm. “I guess he wasn’t as happy to see me as I had hoped.” Even as he says the words a sort of hopeless frustration worms its way up out of him, and he walks to a near-by tree. He stands in front of it for a moment before winding one hand back and punching the rough bark. “Fuck! Dammit, Cas!” He keeps punching. “I just want to talk to your dumb, feathery ass!”

Eventually, he runs out of steam and leans forward into the tree instead, breathing heavily. Hot tears of frustration squeeze out from behind his tightly closed eyelids. A few moments later, he feels someone approach.

“Are you okay?” It’s Annie, because who else here would approach an obviously violent and unstable man.

“Yeah,” he says reflexively, then shakes his head. “No, not really. And I won’t be until I can talk to that idiot.”

A sad smile crosses Annie’s face. “You really love him, huh?”

Dean swallows past the lump in his throat. “Yeah, I do. Now if only the dumbass would let me say it.”

“Well, I don’t know how much good it will do, but I can tell you that he’s going back upriver.”

“Really?”

“Yes,” she replies, though she looks worried now. “He was telling me before he left that he thinks he found the source of what’s causing problems across Heaven. And it was definitely near where the river flows from.”

Before Dean knows, he’s closing the distance between and folding her into a hug. “Thank you!” He lets her go just as quickly as he’d grabbed her and heads for his car.

“You sure you don’t want to stay for the night? It’s gonna get dark soon.”

Dean waves her off. “Thanks, but I’m good. I’ve got an angel to catch up to.”

Annie sighs. “Have it your way. Good luck.”

He grins at her. “Thanks.” He turns the key and Baby roars to life. This time 'Back in Black' blares through the speakers. Dean rolls down the windows, chucks a lazy peace sign out the window at Annie, and thunders away.

*

When Dean stops for the night, the air is starting to turn noticeably cooler. The leaves on the trees, a riot of colors during the daylight, have begun to fall off and leave branches bare. He pulls on an extra layer of socks and another coat, curls up in the backseat of the Impala and tries to sleep.

At some point during his restless tossing and turning he must fall asleep, because the next thing he is aware of, is weak morning light filtering in through the Impala’s windows. He sits up slowly, faintly aware that he should be hungry, having not eaten for the last two days, but not feeling like he needs to eat. He still pulls his pack containing a bag of trail mix to him and munches on it as he sits in the backseat and contemplates his next moves.

Well, next move, really. All he has is drive north until he finds Cas again. He was expecting it to be more difficult than it actually has been. For once, he’s feeling hopeful that he’ll catch up to Cas again. Making Cas stay long enough to talk, however, seems to be the bigger problem. He could try to lure him into a ring of holy oil and fire...except he has no holy oil.

The second option he could try, he thinks as he clambers into the driver’s seat again, is an Enochian summoning. Something in Dean hesitates to try it, though. Whatever Cas has been working on seems important and urgent. He has a feeling pulling Cas unexpectedly away from wherever he is would be a Very Bad Idea.

So, all he’s really left with is finding the angel and getting a hand on him before he can flit away. Disgruntled at his lack of solutions, Dean clambers into the front seat and starts Baby up. This time she croons to him. 

_Now here you go again_ the song starts and he nods sagely along with the sentiment. “I know, Baby,” he pats the steering wheel. “Not gonna let him go again.”

As he drives, the cold seems to come on faster, and soon he has the heat in the car cranked as high as it will go. Not long after that, snow appears. He’s never really been uncomfortable with the snow, but there’s a strangeness to this one that makes him wary.

It’s a good thing he’s concentrating so hard and driving so slowly, otherwise he might have run over the snow-covered bump in the road. As it is, he has to swerve, and Baby ends up nose-first in a small snowbank. He takes a deep breath before getting out of the car and going to inspect the thing he almost ran over with his car.

As he gets closer, he realizes that it's a person and rushes over to them, brushing the snow off and turning them over onto their back. He freezes once he sees their face. It can’t be, he thinks. It can’t be that simple.

But it is. The face is Cas as he’d seen him just one day before. He’s still wearing the same outfit of loose cargo pants, T-shirt, and red zip-up hoodie. His face is pale and as Dean shakes him and calls his name, there is no response. Quickly, Dean gathers Cas into his arms and hefts him over his shoulder. The angel is heavy and Dean stumbles under the weight, but he makes it back to the car anyway.

Luckily, he left Baby running and the heat on when he’d gotten out of the Impala. He quickly deposits Cas into the backseat, wincing when his head bounces off the door handle on the opposite side. Once Cas is secure in the back, Dean hesitates before clambering in after him. It’s a tight fit, both of them six-foot and of similar, broad build, but Dean makes it work.

Cas’s skin feels cool to the touch and Dean is pretty sure that’s not a good sign. Unsure of what to do, he prays to Jack. When the kid doesn’t answer right away, Dean curses and begins going about trying to warm Cas up. He chafes his skin over his clothes, hoping the friction will help.

It feels like an eternity, but is probably less than ten minutes, when Cas starts to stir. His eyelids flicker and he emits a soft moan. 

“Cas?”

There’s another soft moan and then Cas’s eyes flicker open. “Dean?”

He can’t help but smile at the soft, confused look on Cas’s face. “Yeah, buddy, it's me.”

Immediately, the angel’s face goes from soft to alarmed and he shoots up into a sitting position. “You can’t be here,” he says before listing to one side.

“Woah! Hey,” Dean steadies him with a hand to his shoulder. “You’re alright. I got you.” Dean is really worried now. There is no way a newly mojo-upped Cas should be this out of it. “What happened, Cas?”

Cas shakes his head, rubbing a hand over his eyes. “It’s the Empty.”

Everything in Dean freezes. His breath catches in his throat. His vision tunnels. “What?” He rasps.

“Or, well, something that is escaping from the Empty.” Cas looks up at Dean. “I’m not sure, yet, but I think when Jack exploded in the Empty it created something new.”

Dean isn’t looking at Cas now. His vision is focused on a distant point over the angel’s shoulder. Can’t they- he- catch a break for one frickin’ moment? All he wants is to enjoy his heaven with his family and his angel by his side. Is that so much to ask?

“Dean.”

He focuses back on Cas, whose tone had the quality of someone that had been calling his name for some time. “Yeah?”

“Are you okay?” Earnest blue eyes stare at him. Dean didn’t realize how much he’d missed that gaze until he had it back.

He’s thinking about leaning in to study those eyes from up close, but he shakes his head instead. Now isn’t the time for that. They have hybrid Empty nightmares to deal with. Apparently, that’s a thing now. “I’m fine, Cas.”

“I know when you’re lying, Dean.”

He huffs a laugh at the straightforwardness of the angel. “One thing at a time. First, we’ll deal with whatever the Empty threw up. Then we’ll talk about why you’ve been avoiding me,” he finishes sternly.

This time, Cas looks away. “I haven’t been avoiding you, Dean. I’ve just been busy.”

And it’s such a classic _Cas_ thing to say- to not even realize the implications of what he said- that Dean has to laugh. Cas looks startled, then pleased, at the guffaws that burst forth from the man before him, which sets Dean off again. Slowly, the chuckles die down and Dean places a hand against Cas’s cheek. “Don’t ever change,” he says softly.

For a moment, Cas leans into his touch, eyes fluttering closed. It’s gone just as quickly when Cas stiffens and his eyes shoot open, his face morphing into something close to alarm. “Dean, you have to get out of here. They’re coming.” And with that, Cas is struggling to pull himself out of the car.

“Woah, wait, Cas!” Dean makes a desperate grab for the angel’s arm but misses and grasps empty air instead.

“Find Jack!” And then the angel is gone.

“Cas!” Dean flings himself out of the car and into the heavy snow. “CAS!”

*

Dean doesn’t know how long he calls for the angel. Minutes, hours, days. The snow is starting to pile up and even with his layers he feels as if he is in danger of hypothermia. Eventually, his voice gives out and he retreats into the warmth of the car. He has no choice but to do as Cas had asked of him. He shivers and prays to Jack. He prays as hard as he can, but there’s no response. The snow is starting to pick up. The feeling of strangeness grows as well as the cold.

He is vaguely aware that he really shouldn’t be able to feel this degree of cold. Ash tried to explain it to him once, his first night here, but he hadn’t really paid attention to the other man. He decides that his best course of action is to dig the Impala out of the snowbank and head back south. He has a sneaking suspicion that the unnatural snow may be interfering with normal angelic operations and communications.

Digging the Impala out of the snowbank is easier than he expected. The snow is light and moves easily. Still, it takes precious time and clings to him in a way natural snow has never done. Every so often, he catches flashes of light through the thick cloud cover and something about them urges Dean to move faster.

Once he has the car cleared enough, he slams into the driver's seat and throws her in reverse. The tires spin for a moment before catching and soon Dean is driving recklessly back the way he had come. He prays to Jack continuously as he drives. Baby is silent the entire time, as if she too knows that he needs all of his concentration and can't afford any distractions.

The snow is finally starting to clear when the Impala stutters. Startled, Dean looks down at the dashboard and curses. The entire time he's been driving her the Baby has been on three-quarters of a tank of gas. Now, it's hovering near empty.

He looks up ahead and can see where the thick cloud cover is breaking. "C'mon, Baby,” he mutters to the car. "You can do this." Dean forces himself not to push the gas pedal harder. It would just eat up what he has left faster.

"C'mon, c'mon, c'mon," he mutters as the sun gets closer and the sputtering becomes more pronounced. Just as he's wondering if he's going to have to run the last few hundred feet, Baby roars back to full life and he's driving into bright sunlight.

He starts praying immediately, watching the thick clouds of snow as they slowly keep advancing behind him. Ahead of him, he sees that he's not too far from the town he met Annie in. He remembers that he had driven significantly further to get to the snowy areas before.

"Dean?" 

Startled, Dean swerves the car to the left and then has to hastily correct as the Impala fishtails.

"Jesus, kid!" He glares over at Jack. "A little warning next time."

"You called for me." Jack says placidly before turning in his seat to look back at the menacing clouds. "What's that?"

Dean's jaw works as he replies. "I was hoping you could tell me."

"It's a part of Heaven," Jack muses, "and not at the same time. Weird."

"I think Cas is caught in it." Dean doesn’t even try to not let his worry bleed in through into his voice. "He said something about it being from the Empty. Something happened when you went boom there."

"Oh."

Dean looks over at the kid. "That's it? 'Oh'?"

Jack looks back at him, face solemn. "I think I know what happened now." He turns back to look at the roiling mass, blue lightning streaking through it. "Cas won't be able to hold it back by himself much longer. I should go."

"Wait, kid, what-" But Jack is already gone, Dean assumes, into the dark gray cover.

Feeling too anxious to keep driving, he stops the car and gets out. The air is autumn cool, but Dean hardly notices. His eyes are fixated on the churning clouds and the sparks of blue, now joined with yellow, that streak through it.

Slowly, as Dean watches, he's able to make out shapes. Great, big, purple shadows with twisted appendages that Dean might describe as wings whirl through the gray snow clouds. Every time one looks as if it is about to break free from the clouds, it's surrounded by blue and yellow light and dragged back down.

From what Dean can tell, he thinks they're winning. Now that Jack has joined the fray, the ominous cloud cover has stopped advancing, but it hasn't receded either.

Dean is so distracted from watching the light display that he doesn't notice when a small, purple shadow detaches itself from a low corner and zips away. The arcs of blue and yellow light don't notice it either.

One moment, Dean is watching the fancy fireworks and then the next he sees a twisted miasma looming in front of him. He stumbles back, unprepared for the horrific _thing_ that advances on him. It's truly disgusting, he thinks as he backs away. It looks like it's melting and reforming all at once. Every so often, the dredge clears just enough for him to see bits and pieces of what looks like bone and feather and muscle.

Horrified, Dean realizes what he's looking at. This...creature, is an amalgam of angel and Empty and demon. The three facets are warring across its surface. From the twisted features Dean can make out, it appears to be in constant pain. 

It's hideous. It's pitiable. It also seems to be two seconds away from trying to absorb Dean into its malformed structure.

He tries to scramble back but comes up against the tire well of Baby. The shadow swells, cutting off any possible retreat from the sides as well. Dean has just enough time to close his eyes and think one last prayer before the thing swallows him.

And then there's a sensation of burning, like he's standing too close to the sun, and he's opening his eyes to Cas standing in front of him, faintly glowing. Huge, black wings that gleam like an oil spill unfold from his back, flared protectively in front of Dean.

The shadow creature is gone.

"Cas?"

The angel turns his head to face him. Cas' eyes are glowing the soft blue that they always do when he's working his angel mojo on overtime. His dark hair is tousled from the fight and his face is streaked with what Dean thinks is actual ichor. The sword in his hand looks like his normal angel blade until Dean realizes the black goo is dripping off the barely discernable, faintly glowing end two feet out.

Dean has never been more inappropriately turned on in his life.

The angel nods at him before raising his wings and taking off at a breakneck pace.

Dean leans his head back against the car and takes a deep breath. He stays there for a moment, letting his racing heart calm. For all the horrible situations Dean has been in, he's never been so terrified before. Being so close to that horrific thing, it had felt as if his essence was being pulled from him. He shudders to think of what would have happened had it actually touched him.

And Cas was fighting who knows how many of the things right now. His gaze, when he had turned to face Dean, had been steady. Fierce. Every inch the soldier that he'd always told Dean that he was before they met.

When he looks back at the cloud again, he thinks is looks lighter. The shadows are appearing less and less. The flashes of light have morphed from brief flashes to extended rays. They remind Dean of when he watched Cas smite demons and he internally winces at the implication of it.

Slowly, the clouds recede. The unnatural snow starts to melt from where it had fallen. Life springs anew. Dean gets up from the asphalt where he'd fallen and watches until he can no longer see the blue and yellow rays.

He stays there long after night has fallen. At some point, he climbs back inside Baby, but doesn't turn her on. She sings to him anyway; slow rock ballads to match the somber mood as he waits for Cas to come back.

Because Cas _has_ to come back. He always does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Now here we go again" song is Dreams by Fleetwood Mac.  
> Other songs used: Proud Mary- CCR, Back in Black- AC/DC


	3. Purple Haze All Around

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter song is Purple Haze by Jimi Hendrix.

For the third time in as many days, Dean falls asleep in his car. He doesn't mean to, this time, but the emotional upheaval of the past week- see dying, going to Heaven, meeting his friends and family, Cas, the weird dark thing, Cas again- has left him exhausted.

When he wakes, it's to his name being called.

"Dean."

He was dreaming, he thinks, of a fierce blue gaze. Tasting full lips. Cradling all of that barely contained celestial power in his hands. Worshiping someone the only way Dean knows how; with tongue, and teeth, and touch.

He doesn't want to wake up, but the voice is insistent.

" _Dean_!"

He jolts up and nearly brains himself on the figure above him. He blinks groggily until it resolves itself into Jack, looking rather haggard for a god, frowning down at him. “Wha-” he mumbles. He pulls himself all the way up, using the steering wheel to maneuver his way upright. “What is it,” he asks, more coherent this time

Jack smiles at him. It’s small, but there. “We won.” He crawls into the passenger seat next to Dean. “I’ll explain on the way home.”

The ‘we’ Jack uses jolts Dean’s memory. “Cas!”

Jack’s smile widens, but it’s the soft ‘hello, Dean’ from behind him that causes his heart to pound. Cas, if anything, looks far worse than Jack. He’s slumped at an angle between the door and the seat, and he looks like he can barely keep his eyes open. He’s practically caked in black goo. He’s got several cuts that appear to be leaking grace and for a being that isn’t supposed to take in air, he’s doing a good impression of labored breaths.

“Hey, Cas. You look like shit.” Dean looks at Jack. “Can’t you heal him?”

He ignores the soft ‘Dean’ Cas says in protest and stares at Jack. The kid looks down, guilty. “I tried. Whatever...goo, those things leaked, it’s sticky. I’m having a difficult time getting it off, and out of, Cas.”

Dean’s gaze whips back to the angel and stares, wondering if he’s going to start seeing it leak out of his eyes or something. “It’s _in_ Cas?!”

Cas glares back like he knows what Dean is thinking before looking away with an offended huff.

Jack nods. “It got into some of his wounds. I healed what I could, but between the battle and closing the tear they came through…”

“There’s a tear in Heaven?” This just keeps getting better and better, Dean thinks.

The kid bites at his lip before speaking again. “Do you think we could start the car and go? I’m tired and Cas is going to need to rest for a while as well.” He looks up at Dean from under his lashes, earnest and Bambi-like. “I promise I’ll explain everything.”

Dean takes one last look at the clearly exhausted and hurting Cas to Jack’s pleading eyes. “Right,” he says, and turns the key. Baby roars to life, tank back at three-quarters like it has always been, and immediately starts blaring Bon Jovi. He glares at the dash, but all that happens is that the volume is lowered in consideration for their tired passengers. He doesn’t try to change the music something else. He figures she’s earned the right to choose after all these years of saving their collective bacon.

He looks back at Jack when something occurs to him. “That shit better come out of the upholstery.”

“It will,” Jack replies tiredly.

Jack and Cas both fall asleep almost as soon as the car starts going. As much as Dean wants the answers that Jack promised him, he can’t bear to wake the kid. He’s pretty sure an all-powerful cosmic being isn’t supposed to have bags under his eyes.

Dean judges it’s around noon when Jack stirs awake. The air is warm again and he has his window cracked, but it’s getting a little stuffy with only the one. He’d open it more, but he hates the weird pressure that comes from only having one window open.

Cas is still zonked out in the back.

“Sleep okay?” He glances over at the kid. The bags have receded, but he still looks like he could use another nap or two.

“Yes, thank you.”

Dean focuses back on the road, staring straight ahead. “Good. Wanna tell me what the hell those things were then?”

Jack cracks open his window before answering and Dean can’t say the new airflow isn’t a relief. “The creatures that we fought...they’re from the Empty.”

“They’re demons, and angels, and the Empty all fused together, right?”

Jack nods, not surprised that Dean had figured that much out himself. “When I...exploded, in the Empty, it was the equivalent of a celestial nuclear bomb going off.”

Dean whistles lowly. “Jesus.”

“It fused many of the angels and demons with the Empty’s essence. Jumbled them all together.” From the corner of his eye, Dean can see Jack twist his hands fretfully. “That’s what’s making it so hard to heal Cas. I have to be careful I don’t cut into _his_ essence.”

Dean asks the most important question. “Will he be okay?”

“I believe so. I’m very hopeful. Once I get it unstuck from him, it disappears and if it was in a wound, it heals very quickly after the gunk is gone.” Jack looks back at his father. “Unfortunately, he pretty much doused himself in the stuff. It’s _everywhere._ ”

And Dean can’t help himself. He laughs, loud and deep, at Jack’s mournful tone. For the first time since Death herself was pounding at the door to get to him and Cas, Dean has hope for the future. He claps Jack on the shoulder, giving him a little shake, before letting him go. “You did good, kid.”

The smile Jack gives him is the brightest he’s ever seen. “Thank you, Dean.”

“So, how did they get into Heaven?”

Jack’s face goes from jubilant to contemplative. Dean’s a little sad to see the smile go so soon. “I’m not entirely sure. I found the tear they came in through, but without understanding exactly how it was made, all I could really do was stitch it closed.” He looks up at Dean, eyes wide. “They’re going to get in again, Dean.”

“Fuck.”

They drive in silence for a while. Baby is back to the softer side of classic rock and Dean can’t say he disapproves. He’s got his kid and the love of his life- though said love doesn’t know that he is, yet- in the car with him and it’s a beautiful day. The things that had been making Heaven go wonky have been defeated- for now- and Dean can enjoy some peace and contentment with two of his favorite people.

(It’s really three, but Baby understands that Dean hasn’t quite made the connection, yet. He’ll get there someday.)

Late afternoon, they pass by Asa’s place. It already looks much better. The barren field is filling in with grass and some saplings are starting to grow sporadically around the yard. He grins at seeing how well and fast Heaven has flourished since Jack and Cas were able to cut out the infection that was marring it.

Nightfall sees them back at his parents’ house. He sends Jack in first, then carefully crawls into the back to gently shake Cas awake. The angel looks a little better, having slept the entire drive home, but he’s still obviously hurt. And covered in goo.

He helps Cas out of the car and guides him inside. He’s met by Sam and his parents. He can tell they’re full of questions, but he shakes his head and quietly tells them he’ll fill them in on everything in the morning. It’s been a long trip and all he wants is to fall into bed with his best friend and sleep for eternity.

Dean leads Cas to his room and makes him sit on the edge of the mattress while he takes off the angel’s shoes and socks. He decided to leave the pants and T-shirt for now, not sure what the protocol is for sleeping in the same bed as your best friend/love interest/it’s complicated who’s also covered in weird gunk. Jack didn’t seem worried about it getting on anything else, apparently it only likes to stick to angelic grace, so he pushes Cas under the covers and gets in on the other side. The angel falls asleep again almost immediately and Dean follows soon after.

*

When Dean wakes up this time, he's warm and comfortable and in no hurry to move. He's on his front, face smushed into the pillow, a thin line of drool wetting the fabric underneath his mouth. He's content for what feels like the first time in decades.

Then, there's a slight movement off to his left and his eyes shoot open to stare directly into blue ones. Right. Cas is there. He'd put the angel in bed with him because he'd been too tired to think of anything else to do with him.

The angel is staring back at him stoically. He doesn't blink, which Dean finds disturbing, but he can't help but feel a wave of fondness for such a tried and true Cas mannerism.

"What have I told you about staring at people when they sleep?" Dean's voice is rough from just having awoken.

"That I shouldn't do it," the angel says dutifully before finally blinking and turning onto his back.

Dean pushes himself up off the pillow, surreptitiously wiping at the wetness clinging to his chin. He turns to sit against the headboard. Cas continues studying the ceiling with his usual intent focus.

It isn't long before Dean can no longer stand the silence and feels the need to break it. "Find anything interesting?"

Cas turns his head to look at him. "Interesting?"

"On the ceiling." And suddenly Dean is irritated. They survived so much together and then Cas went and told him that he loved him only to die immediately afterward and leave him with that empty, hollow feeling of something vital missing. Something Dean thought he was going to have to live with for the rest of his natural, and unnatural, life. 

And now the asshole won't even look at him. "You keep staring at it."

Cas squints his eyes at him and somehow conveys his usual confused head tilt while laying prone. "You told me not to…"

Just as quickly as his irritation had come, it vanishes. "Never mind," Dean sighs and shakes his head. "I'm being stupid."

"Dean," Cas sits up in one smooth movement, like it's no effort at all to go from one position to another. It makes Dean’s mouth a little dry. "I-"

Whatever Cas is about to say is interrupted by a knock on the door and Sam's voice calling. "Breakfast is ready."

At the mention of food, Dean's stomach rumbles. Cas lets out an amused huff, one side of his mouth curled slightly up.

"Shut up," Dean grumbles before sliding out of bed. He'd managed to change into sleep pants and a clean T-shirt the night before and he figures that's good enough to eat breakfast with his family in.

Cas still looks like he’s covered in greasy smears. Luckily, Jack’s prediction seems to be holding true and it’s not rubbing off on anything else.

He stumbles downstairs, Cas following more gracefully after. It seems the sleep did the angel some good. He's more alert and looks less on the verge of death, though he still has bags under his eyes and cuts that still leak tiny wisps of grace.

Almost everyone is already seated around the table. Sam is setting down a platter of bacon and when he steps back, it’s to reveal a familiar auburn-haired woman sitting behind him.

"Eileen!" He comes around the table, arms already spreading wide. She stands quickly and lets herself be enveloped in the hug, giving back just as good as she gets. He pulls back after a minute to speak to her. "It's so good to see you."

"It's good to see you, too," she replies then steps around him to hug Cas. The angel looks startled but returns the hug anyway. "I'm so glad you're okay."

This starts off a round of hugging from those that had known Cas in life. First, Sam shoulders his wife out of the way and picks the angel up in a full body moose-hug. Next is Mary making her way around the table to envelope Cas in a much gentler embrace. John sits apart from the happy reunion, looking confused at the warm reception this unknown entity is receiving. Dean can’t help but feel a little smug that his angel his getting a warmer reception from Sammy than his father did.

During each encounter, Cas looks more and more bewildered at his reception, but no less warmed by the obvious affection most of the Winchester family holds for him. Apparently, Cas has not shown his face to any of them since Jack got him out of the Empty. It's a thought that saddens Dean. Did Cas think they wouldn't be happy to see him?

Actually, knowing Cas, probably.

It's that look on Cas' face that helps facilitate Dean's realization that Cas probably has worse self-esteem issues than Dean does that resolves him. He's going to talk to Cas, properly, as soon as he can. Preferably, right after breakfast. They can take a drive out to that bridge where he met up with Sammy. They'll talk and figure out what they need to, and Dean will make sure that Cas knows that he’s wanted. That Dean wants him here. With him.

Dean is feeling pretty good during breakfast. He's sitting next to Cas, his knee pressed against the angel's and there's a steady stream of conversation around the table. He asks Eileen when she got here- two days ago; apparently there was some confusion from her having been dead once before- and he tells his mother about meeting Asa on his trip.

Mary says they'll have to invite him over for dinner soon. Maybe see who else is around and have a barbeque in their backyard.

As breakfast winds down, talk inevitably turns to Dean's trip, finding Cas, and the shadow creatures that were apparently wreaking havoc on Heaven's structures. Jack takes over the conversation here, explaining the best he can what he thinks happened and what he's done so far to prevent it from happening again, but that right now he can't guarantee more won't slip through.

He also says he has a job for them. "I'm obviously still learning about these creatures," he starts. "I can't sense them like I can other forms of energy in Heaven. And I can't watch over everything like my...predecessor."

The kid looks genuinely cut up about it. Sam is the first one to speak. "It's not your fault, Jack."

Dean and his mother echo the sentiment. The kid was still learning his powers before he absorbed God-energy. It's gotta be a steep learning curve. 

"So, what's the job?"

"I'm worried about small shadows slipping through the stitches. And human souls seem to be able to easily perceive the shadows. I want to use the hunter network, those that are willing, to look for signs of these creatures and take them out. Or capture them, if possible." Jack looks around the table, obviously anxious for their response.

“Capture them?” Why would Jack want to keep these things alive?

It’s Cas who answers. “The shadows…I wasn’t sure, at first, what I was seeing. I didn’t want to believe what I was seeing. But then Jack told me about how the…goo…sticks to angelic grace.” He holds up a black-smeared hand as evidence. “And now I’m fairly certain that the core of each of these creatures is an angel. A mostly intact angel.”

Everyone stares at him in confusion. Eventually, Dean’s the one that ventures. “What does that mean, Cas?”

“One of the angels I fought, I swear they broke free, just for a moment.” He turns his somber gaze to Dean. “It was Anna. And I’m fairly certain she was _aware_.”

Dean stares at him. “You’re joking.”

Cas shakes his head. “You know I don’t joke, Dean. I swear it was Anna and she was calling for help. However, these things were formed, it’s using angels to keep itself together. If we can extract the angel from the dark material, we might be able to save them.”

“Not to be that guy, Cas, but most angels are dicks. Present company excluded.”

Cas frowns at him. “You once thought I was a ‘dick’ as well.” Jesus, he even used the air quotes again. “I changed. Anna was human for some time. You liked her.” There’s a bit of an edge when Cas says that, but Dean ignores it for now to focus on the bigger topic.

“Still, Cas…”

“They’re my sisters and brothers, Dean!” Cas shoots up from the table, chair falling back from the force of gesture. “And they’re in pain. Is it really that wrong that I want to try and save them?”

Dean grabs his wrist before he can storm away. “No! Shit! No, Cas, it’s not wrong.” He tugs gently at the warm wrist in his grasp. “Sit back down. We’ll talk about it.”

Cas does and an awkward silence descends around the table.

Mary is the one to finally break it. "So, we'd be doing what we used to do on earth?" His mother looks contemplative. Dean knows she's considering it. Mary Winchester could never refuse those in need. Much less Jack's puppy eyes. “Hunting things? Saving…souls?”

"Only if you want to," Jack reaffirms, like he thinks they could be pushed into doing anything they don't want to be a part of. Like they would refuse, even if they wanted to.

"How would we fight them?" Sam, ever the practical one. "Even you and Cas had a difficult time beating them."

Cas looks up from his contemplation of his plate, appearing affronted at the notion of being a less than capable warrior. "We were fighting thousands of them. You try battling two against those odds and see how you come out of it." Sassy Cas might just be Dean's favorite. As long as it isn’t directed at him. 

(Okay, and maybe even when it is.)

He hides a grin behind a last mouthful of egg and presses his knee against Cas’s again. He tries not to feel too hurt when Cas pulls away. He deserves it for being a dick about the angel’s family.

"I can fashion you some weapons based on the angel blades," Jack answers. "They worked well enough when Cas and I fought the Storm."

John, who had been rather conspicuously quiet throughout breakfast, speaks up. "I'm sorry, but can we back up just a moment. It sounds like you all are ready to just jump in."

"We are," Eileen speaks for them. She takes Sam's hand in her own and looks at Jack and Cas. "They're family. Of course, we'll help."

"Dad, I get that you don't really know Jack and Cas, yet, but Eileen's right." Dean looks at his son and his best friend. "They're family. And we don't leave family hangin' when they need us." His gaze steadies on Cas. _I’m sorry_ , he tries to convey. _I understand_.

Cas seems to get at least some of it, because his blue eyes soften. The knee comes back in a gentle bump, though it doesn’t linger.

John sighs and leans back against his chair. "Well, I guess it was getting kind of boring sitting around through perfect day after perfect day. Could use some excitement around here."

Jack smiles, his cheeks scrunching up. "Thank you. I'll get to work on the weapons." And then he disappears from the table.

"That kid. No manners." He looks slyly over at Cas. "Almost like some angel I know."

"He's your child as well," Cas says placidly.

Dean laughs. "Yeah, I guess so."

"Also," Jack says from behind him, scaring the shit out of him, "can Cas stay here for a little while? He really shouldn't be flying, yet. Or doing anything that requires expending grace."

"Jesus, kid! Some warning next time."

"But that's not as fun," Jack pouts.

This time it's Sam that laughs, long and loud. "Oh yeah, Dean. He definitely takes after you too."

"Yeah, yeah, laugh it up." He looks back at Jack. "Now, what's this about Cas staying?"

Cas is standing from his chair already. "Jack, I don't think that's a good i-"

"He's still injured," Jack says over him. Dean looks at Sam and points, mouthing 'you' at his brother. Sam just shrugs and grins. "His wings took the most damage, so he really shouldn't try to fly. I'd feel better if he could stay with you." He's looking at Dean when he says it, something mischievous in his eyes.

Dean stands next to the angel and claps a hand on his shoulder. "Of course he can stay."

Cas frowns at him. "I'm not a child. I can look after myself."

"Cas, we just had the family discussion. Don't make me repeat it." He locks his gaze with the angel. "It'll be nice, having you around."

For a moment, Cas looks like he's going to argue again, but instead he just heaves a deep sigh and looks away from Dean. "Fine."

"Awesome!" Dean claps him soundly on the shoulder before turning back to the table and starts picking up empty plates. "How about you help me clean the dishes?"

Sullen, Cas begins picking up dirty tableware.

"Thanks, guys!" Jack pops back out of existence.

Everyone goes their separate ways after breakfast. Dean and Cas clean up since his mom and Sam cooked. Sam and Eileen go for a walk. Mary and John are out back, getting in some target practice. Apparently, ever since John learned that Mary had been a hunter, they'd been having weekly competitions on who the best shot is. Mary is currently ahead by about twenty points, but John's military training keeps him in close contest.

He's handing Cas the last dish to rub dry when he asks if he'd like to go for a drive with him.

"Dean, I don't think-" Cas starts before he's interrupted by a rough voice.

"Hello? Anybody home?" Bobby. Dean sighs. "I can hear gunshots, so I know someone's here."

For a moment, Dean considers just grabbing Cas and running, but he can hear Bobby enter through the front door and he'll be in front of the kitchen entrance in just a few more steps. He gives Cas a look that he hopes conveys 'this isn't over' before he yells out, "here Bobby" and goes to the doorway, wiping his hands on a towel. Cas stays at the sink, studiously drying the last plate.

"Where you been boy? You hardly been here a day before you went haring off again." Bobby's got two six-packs in hand. Looks like he's planning to stay a while. So much for that drive with Cas.

Dean glances back over his shoulder at the angel before answering Bobby. "I had to go find something."

Bobby looks over his shoulder as well and a look of understanding comes onto his face. "I see." And then he lifts one of the six-packs up and gives it a little shake. "Where's your mom and dad?"

"Out back. Apparently, it's competition day." He takes the beer and shows Bobby through the house, though he has a suspicion that Bobby has been here more than Dean has at this point.

It's a good day, overall. Dean and Bobby sit on the porch drinking beer and offering commentary on the match between Mary and John. Eileen and Sam come back from their walk, disgustingly happy, and Dean can't help but glance at Cas, leaning casually against a pillar with a beer in hand, and wish for the same.

Bobby and John tell stories from when Dean and Sam were kids. Mary soaks up the bits and pieces of the children she never got to watch grow up. Dean is permanently red from embarrassment. He'd forgotten about the time he'd tried to sneak a kitten into his room at Bobby's. Cas sends a smirk at him and remarks that he knew they'd been a species short in that cabin and Dean has to blink and calm his heart a little because he hadn't realized Cas remembered his time from being loopy on Sam's Hell memories. As much as it had hurt to see Cas so unlike himself, he had to admit the angel had been very adorable at times.

By the time Bobby leaves, Dean is ready for bed. He guides a sleepy Cas upstairs to his room again, gives him a pair of his sleep pants and a shirt to change into, and goes to use the bathroom to give Cas some privacy to change. Jack has him on strict orders not to use his grace for anything not focused on healing, apparently.

Cas looks good in his clothes and he has to look away before he does something stupid like grab the stupid son of a bitch and kiss his stupid face. Dean wants to do things right. They need to talk first. There's so much between them that needs to be said before anything can happen. At least, that's what Dean tells himself as they climb into bed together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song I imagined Baby picking is Wanted Dead Or Alive- Bon Jovi
> 
> Also, I'm sorry, this was only supposed to be three chapters (I had it all written), but something kept bugging me about it and I ended up writing more. (So, for those of you that have been keeping track, I'm sorry.)
> 
> Please leave comments and/or kudos if you like what you've read! Thank you!


	4. Black as Coal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title, of course, is from Paint It, Black- The Rolling Stones

They fall into a routine over the next few days. Jack pops in for breakfast or lunch, stays long enough to draw off some more of the black gunk that’s sticking to Cas like glue, before popping out again. Cas wanders off immediately after Jack leaves. Where he goes, Dean isn’t sure. He tries to follow the angel but loses him each time. He suspects that Cas is not keeping as strictly to Jack’s command of ‘no using grace’ as he should be.

Cas will wander back in some time after dinner, looking wearier and more unkempt than he did before Jack scraped off the goo earlier that day. Further proof, in Dean’s book, that the angel is not keeping to Jack’s orders in an effort to avoid Dean. And the times Cas does stick around, it’s to help around the house or he’s organizing the incoming hunters who have come to volunteer their time in keeping an eye on the nightmare-shadows situation. Cas is never alone.

And Dean would talk to him when they go to bed, but Cas avoids that, too, by either dropping off on the couch early in the evening- in which case, Dean has to carry him to bed- or staying up so late that Dean falls asleep first. Dean has even tried to ask him to go for a drive with him again, but the angel always has some excuse as to why he can’t.

It makes Dean want to scream and punch something. All he wants to do is tell the angel that he loves him, that Dean wants him stay with him forever, and can they live happily ever after with a side of monster-hunting now, please?

Dean is proven right about the extracurricular grace activity several days later when Jack pops in just before lunch, after Dean has gotten home from another unsuccessful round angel-stalking. He’s laid out on the couch, watching a rerun marathon of The Golden Girls when Jack suddenly appears in front of the television, an unconscious Castiel in his arms. Dean’s immediately up off the couch and crossing over to them. “What happened?”

Jack frowns down at his angelic father. “He’s been using his wings to fly. He lost control mid-flight.” He lays Cas down on the newly vacant couch. “I told him he shouldn’t be using his grace, yet. It’s taking practically all he has to keep himself stable with the amount he’s still losing.” 

He leans down over Cas and traces his fingers over the new cuts the angel had acquired. They heal immediately. Not from the shadow monster fight then. Just from Cas being stupid. It makes something incredibly angry well up from deep within Dean.

Once Jack has finished healing Cas for the day, who already looks much better for it, he takes a seat on one of the armchairs. Dean sits on another, next to him.

"He's not taking it well," Jack says, apologetic. “Being injured.”

"I guess not." Dean rubs a hand across the back of his neck

Jack rubs his hands on his thighs, a sure sign he's uncomfortable with the subject he's about to bring up. "He thinks he's an inconvenience."

Dean's head shoots up and he fixes Jack with a hard stare. "Did he say that?"

The kid shifts uncomfortably. "Not exactly. It's just," Jack wets his lips, trying to find the right words. "He kept asking me for tasks. Things to do. Said he 'needed to do some good for once.' And, well," he smiles sadly. “It’s Cas.”

"Fuck."

"Yeah."

Dean stands up to pace, no longer able to keep still as his thoughts race. "Fuck, fuck, fuck. That idiot. Doesn't he know he has nothing to prove?" He looks at Jack imploringly.

Jack just shakes his head. "I don't know what he’s thinking, really. I just know that ever since I got him free of the Empty, and he couldn't save you, he's been working nonstop on making Heaven the way he thought _you’d_ want it." Jack tilts his head in a familiar way, then adds, "I'm sorry about that, by the way. I would have helped you if I could have."

Dean waves the kid off. "It's fine. You have nothing to be sorry for. _Cas_ has nothing to be sorry for."

"You should tell him that. I think he needs to hear it from you."

Dean fixes the kid with a determined look. "I plan to," he says and settles in to wait for the birdbrain to wake up. Jack has to leave after a few minutes and Dean tilts his head in acknowledgement, but otherwise his gaze doesn’t leave the angel laid out on his parents’ couch.

He studies the sleeping angel while he waits. Cas looks better. Most of the black smears are gone from his skin. Jack has been able to close the largest cuts, so only a few small ones are leaking blue wisps. A few more days and he’d probably be completely healed.

Cas wakes up a little over an hour later. The house is quiet, everyone having miraculously found something else to do for the day that isn’t hovering around Dean and the injured angel. Dean watches as Cas takes in his surroundings with a confused slant to his eyes and sits up to stare at the far wall.

“Jack brought you home.” Dean says, when the angel still seems to have trouble figuring out what he’s doing back in the house.

He watches as the angel’s body tenses, then turns to look at him. “Dean.”

The tightly controlled fury that Dean’s been holding onto thrashes, wanting to explode. He keeps his rein on it, barely, and fixes Cas with a dark look. “He said you’d been flying.”

Cas looks down at his lap, hands carefully settled over his knees. “I thought I was well enough.”

“Bullshit,” Dean retorts. “He also said you’d been using your grace. Grace that you don’t have to spare.”

Cas still doesn’t look up at him. “I was just trying to be useful.”

“Dammit, Cas!” Dean explodes, rising from his seat to stand over the angel. “You can’t keep doing this! Putting yourself in danger. Sacrificing yourself for others. It needs to stop. One day, you really will die, and we won’t be able to bring you back.”

“Would that really be such a bad thing?” Cas asks, his voice smaller than Dean has ever heard it before.

And Dean’s heart _breaks_. Before he knows it, he on his knees at Cas’s feet, his hands settling over the angel’s on his knees. “Yeah, Cas,” he says, his voice thick with emotion. “It would be bad.” He uses a finger to nudge his chin up, forcing the angel to look him in the eyes. “Every time I thought I lost you, I couldn’t handle it. I felt empty- lost- without you.”

“Dean…”

“I survived without you before, Cas. But that’s all I was doing. Surviving.” Unconsciously, the finger he’d used to tilt Cas’s chin has become a hand on the angel’s cheek. “I’m better, with you around. I’m a better man when I have you with me.”

Cas’s eyes widened and his mouth slack open with surprise. “Dean, no, you’re a good man. You’ve always been a good man. You don’t need me for that.”

Dean smiles at him, swallowing around the lump in his throat. “Cas, I might be a good man, with or without you, but I’d rather be with you. A hundred percent. You make me wanna be better.” He lightly caresses the angel’s cheek with his thumb. “You make me want to be the man you see me as, instead of the one I, and everyone else, thought I was.”

And, it’s now or never, Dean thinks. He leans up slowly. As much as Cas had confessed to him before, on Earth, there’s no guarantee that he still wants this. Wants Dean. So, slowly, Dean leans closer, gaze flickering down to the angel’s lips, intent as clear as he can make it.

The angel sits, frozen, for what feels like forever but is probably several bare moments, before he seems to catch on to what Dean’s intent it. His eyes widen in realization and his pink mouth goes slack again. He holds himself still, gazing down at Dean, before hesitantly lessening the distance between them and softly pressing his lips to the ones below him.

As soon as their lips connect, Dean closes his eyes, focusing entirely on the way Cas’s soft, chapped lips feel against his. The kiss lasts only a handful of moments before Dean reluctantly pulls away. “I’ve wanted to do that for a long time,” he says, pressing his forehead to Cas’s, not wanting to move too far away.

“Why didn’t you ever say anything?” Cas looks hurt.

Dean squeezes the hand he kept a hold of. “I wasn’t sure you felt the same way. If you _could_ feel the same way. I knew you cared. A lot. But love? Like this?” He shook his head. “I had no idea.”

“How long?”

Dean pulled back a little so he could better look at his angel’s face. “You know how I spent a year in Purgatory looking for your dumb ass?” Cas nods. “Yeah, about that long.” He dithers over whether to ask the next question but ultimately decides fair’s fair. “What about you?”

“How long have I loved you?” Dean feels his cheeks heat a little, but nods. “Ah, as Hester said, the very moment I laid a hand on you, I was lost. Whatever happened in Hell when I grasped you, it spread over time.”

“What am I? An infection?” Dean snarks. He becomes aware that his knees are starting to ache from kneeling on the hardwood floor and he gets up, taking a seat next to Cas on the couch. He keeps a hold of Cas’s hand.

Cas smiles at him, small and full affection. “Something like that. I didn’t realize what the emotion was, however, until I became human.”

“So, you didn’t know what love was until then?”

Cas shakes his head. “All angels know love, of the filial type. What a child feels for their parent. But romantic love…” and here Dean swears he sees a dusting of red on the angel’s cheeks, “is a very different concept.”

Dean squeezes the hand in his grasp gently. “While I wish you hadn’t had to go through what you did back then, I can’t say I’m sorry for it, since it got us here.”

Cas smiles up at him, eyes deep blue with affection. “Neither am I.”

They stay seated on the couch for a time, holding hands and watching the Golden Girls. After a while, Cas leans against Dean and falls asleep. There’s more they need to talk about, Dean knows, but it can wait for a little while longer.

*

Jack pops in around lunch the next day to do some more Cas healing and drop off the new weapons he made. There are angel blades, and bullets, and arrow tips because apparently Eileen is a skilled bow-woman. He tells them that if they have any other ideas for weapons to let him know and he’ll try to make it for them.

Dean sits with Cas in the living room as Jack carefully traces over several of the myriad cuts that are still leaking grace. Cas remains placid enough through it all, but as soon as Jack is done, he's off the couch and out the door, leaving Dean to stare after him.

“He’s still upset that he can’t use his grace,” Jack observes.

“Yeah.”

“But not so upset that he’s taking risks to prove himself ‘useful.’” Jack smiles. “You talked to him.”

Dean looks down, trying to hide the blush he knows wants to spread across his cheeks. “We worked some things out. There’s still some stuff left to be said, but…” he shrugs, not really sure how to articulate two lifetimes of abandonment issues and several years of repression.

Jack’s smile widens. “I think it will work out, as long as you keep trying. I’m happy for you.”

“Thanks kid.” Dean grins.

Jack leaves after lunch. Cas is still out back, as far as Dean knows, and goes to look for him.

He finds Cas at the far edge of the yard practicing one-handed sword maneuvers. He stops, transfixed, at the smooth movements of the angel. He's never really seen Cas fight. On Earth, yeah, a few times he used the angel blade, to great effect, but Cas usually just liked to cut the middleman and do the whole 'lay hands on and smite' dance.

Watching Cas smoothly maneuver from stance to stance makes Dean's mouth water. He swallows as he eyes Cas's lean muscled form as it glides through one form then another. He's wearing Dean's clothes again and Dean is just thinking maybe he should take a cold shower when Cas speaks

"I have been reliably informed it's impolite to stare." The angel falls out of stance and turns to face Dean.

"Yeah, when the person is sleeping and doesn't know you're there," Dean snorts. "It's creepy." And then winces. That really wasn’t how he’d meant to start the conversation.

Cas twirls his blade and stows it somewhere Dean can't see. He doesn't even want to think about how that works considering Cas is only in jeans and a T-shirt. "I see." 

"No, you don't," Dean smiles fondly.

Cas nods. "No, I don't. I was just watching over you. I don’t see how that is ‘creepy.’"

"I know." He wanders a little closer to the angel holding out his hand. “I still like you though.”

“I am very fond of you as well,” Cas replies, closing the distance and taking the proffered contact.

Dean’s smiling, pulling the angel closer, when he sees something over Cas’s shoulder. Reacting on instinct, he grabs the angel and turns, rolling them both out of the way of a lunging shadow.

“Dean!” Cas runs his hands over him, eyes wide with fear.

“I’m okay!” He disentangles himself from the angel. “It didn’t get me,” he has enough time to say before he has to dodge again. This time, they go in opposite directions, and Cas pulls out his angel blade, slashing at the creature.

It makes a horrendous noise at being hit, dark bubbles forming around the cut. And then the shifting black mass separates to reveal red hair and pale skin as a distorted face pulls itself free. “ _Help_ ,” the creature gasps.

Cas freezes. “Anna,” he whispers.

“ _Cas-ti-el_. _Hel-p_.”

Dean is frozen in horror. It wasn’t that he hadn’t believed Cas when the angel said that his brethren were trapped within the twisted dark masses, but seeing it was something else. He does the only thing he can think of. “Jack! We got a situation here that you might want to look in on. Now.”

The kid appears a moment later. “What’s wron- oh.” He peers curiously at the twisted mass with an almost human head. “I see.” He raises a hand and slowly walks closer to it. “Hi, I’m Jack.” 

The thing that is Anna and yet, not-Anna, turns to look at him. Dean can see its face clearly now. He can see the torment twisted across her once-beautiful features. It’s all snarled now, but here and there he can see pieces that he recognizes as her.

She’s straining, clearly trying to hold back from attacking anyone again. “ _Help_?”

“Yes,” Jack answers. “I think I can help you. But I need to do something first, and it will take some time.” He stops less than two feet away. “Can I touch you?”

Anna turns to look at Cas first, who still has his blade in hand, but slightly lowered. He nods. She turns back to Jack. “ _Yes_.”

Slowly, Jack reaches out to her and presses his fingertips to her forehead. “This might hurt. I’m sorry.” Then, bright light pours from fingers and envelopes the shadow being.

A high-pitched squeal comes from it as the light gains intensity and then abruptly cuts off once it slumps over, faintly glowing, but more solid-looking than any of the creatures that Dean has seen before.

“What did you do?” Dean asks.

Jack doesn’t look at him; just continues to stare down at the Anna-shadow, seeming slightly puzzled. “I made her form more corporeal to keep it from shifting. It should make it easier to remove since it not moving so much. It’s the same method I use with Cas, just on a much larger scale.” He looks up finally. “It will take some time, but I think I can help her.” He smiles.

Cas’s shoulders slump, obviously relieved that Jack has an idea on how to help his friend. “Thank you, Jack.”

“No thanks are needed. I want to help.” He looks sadly back down at Anna. “No being should suffer needlessly like this. And I am partially responsible for it happening in the first place.”

Dean claps a hand on Jack’s shoulder. “You couldn’t have known something like this would happen, kid. And it’s not like you went to the Empty by choice, either.”

Jack nods. “I know. But it still feels like it’s my responsibility to fix it.” He leans down and rests a hand on the inert form. “I’ll be back in a few days,” he says and then vanishes.

Dean and Cas stare down at where Jack and Anna had been. “Well, that’s great and all, but what about you?” He looks over to Cas. “You’re not finished healing. You’re still leaking grace.” He gestures to one of the visible cuts on Cas’s arm.

Cas frowns down at it before stowing his angel blade away. “I’ll be fine, Dean. As long as I don’t do anything too strenuous, I should be able to maintain myself for a few days.”

He sidles closer to the angel. “’Too strenuous,’ huh? And what would that include?” He wraps an arm low around Cas’s back. They’ve only been together for less than a day and kissed a few times since the first, but Dean is already getting used to being able to pull the angel close to him.

Cas rests his hands on the curves of Dean’s shoulders; one right where his mark had been and the other directly opposite. “As long as I don’t use my grace, I should be fine.”

“Well, in that case,” Dean murmurs against his lips. “I guess the magic flying carpet ride is out.”

Cas pulls back and frowns at him. “Is that a euphemism? I’m not familiar with that one.”

Dean throws his head back and laughs. He’s in Heaven, he has Cas in his arms, and they might just be able to save some angels. Dean can’t remember the last time he’d felt so happy. 

After a few moments, he calms down and leans back into Cas, still smilingly widely. “No, Cas,” he tells the frowning angel. “It’s not a euphemism.” He kisses him, again, because it’s hard not to when Cas looks at him like that- a cross between cranky and confused, and somehow still adorable- and because he doesn’t want to stop himself from doing so anymore. He has plenty of years behind him of not kissing the angel when he wished he could; he’s not going to keep making that mistake.

Eventually, they head back inside. His mother and Eileen had come home while they were in the yard, at some point, and they fill them in on their encounter from earlier that afternoon.

“So, Jack thinks he can help restore the angels that are trapped under the black mass?” His mom is unpacking groceries from her and Eileen’s trip. Dean is still getting used to Heaven having _grocery stores_. Apparently, Cas and Jack decided that Heaven should really just be Earth+. Not that he’s complaining, exactly, but it still amuses him. They even have extra special monsters to fight.

“He’s hopeful,” Cas answers. He’s sitting next to Dean, nursing a mug of tea. Dean would give him shit for it, but Cas would just give him a look of utter bafflement at Dean’s distaste for the drink. It wasn’t worth it, he had decided. “Although, he assured us the process will be difficult.”

The angel slumps in his seat, and Dean can’t help but rub a hand on his back, between his shoulder blades. His mom shoots him a look, eyebrows raised, and he gives her a little one-armed shrug back. He’s not ashamed, but things are still new, and he’s taking it slow. He does not want to mess up his shot at true happiness with Cas.

She smiles at him and turns back to Cas. He catches Eileen giving them an approving smile as well, and he can’t but feel his grin widen. He knows that once Sam finds out he’s going to get shit for all the things he’s said regarding relationships in the past, but he’s kind of looking forward to it as well.

He’s looking forward to a lot of things when it comes to Cas.

It’s Dean’s turn to cook dinner that night and he commandeers Cas to help him in kitchen. For vegetable chopping purposes, he says, but also because he likes having the angel close. And, it’s also extremely convenient for pressing lips to dark, brown hair or a furrowed brow when Cas is concentrating on something. The small, pleased look he gets every time is worth it when Sam eventually catches him and makes fun of him for it.

He retaliates by showing his brother his middle finger and going in for a more thorough kiss on the mouth that leaves Cas looking a little dazed, his brother slightly disgusted, and Dean overall pleased with himself.

After dinner, the entire family piles into the living room for a movie night. They bicker over what to watch, but eventually settle on the last Thor movie that had come out before Dean’s death. He’s only slightly disappointed- his vote had been the Dark Knight- but Cas is settled comfortably against him on one end of the wraparound sectional, while his brother and Eileen take up the other. His mother and father are on the love seat across from them. They turn on the subtitles for Eileen and settle in to watch.

He gets an odd look from John, but his father says nothing, just looks quietly contemplative at the scene across from him for several minutes before turning his attention back to the movie. Cas questions every other scene- _but, Dean, the physics alone behind that kind of mass gain is impossible_ \- like Dean knew he would. Eventually, he takes the hand he had laying along the back of the couch and wraps it around Cas’s mouth.

He leans close to the angel’s ear. “Shh. Just enjoy the movie.”

Cas glares at him from the side before licking his hand. Quickly, Dean pulls the appendage away, wiping the spit on Cas’s shoulder before placing his arm back along the top of the couch. Cas turns back to the movie and resolutely stares straight ahead, though Dean catches a faint uptick at the corner of his mouth, so he knows the angel isn’t too upset.

It’s getting late by the time the movie finishes. Cas is starting lean more heavily onto Dean. He coaxes Cas to standing and, like he had the first night, leads Cas to his room. He goes to the bathroom again to let Cas change. Slow, he reminds himself. They have all of eternity. And, to be honest, Dean is enjoying this unhurried ease into intimacy. Rarely has Dean had the chance to enjoy touch just for the sake of touching.

When he comes back to the bedroom, Cas is already under the covers and looks near to sleeping. Dean climbs onto his side of the bed and pulls the angel to him, coaxing him against Dean’s side. He wraps one arm tight around Castiel and lays a hand over the one the angel has on his chest. Dean falls asleep rather quickly after that.

*

Two days later, Dean is working on Baby outside. He has her parked on the gravel, hood up, checking her fluids when he hears a faint flutter and turns to see Jack and Anna standing behind him.

“Hey,” he grins. “You’re looking much better than the last time I saw you.”

Anna smiles at him. “I feel much better.” She looks at Jack. “Thanks to Jack, I feel almost like my old self again.”

“I’m glad I could help.” He looks to Dean. “Where’s Cas?”

Dean cocks his head towards the house. “I think he’s inside. Eileen’s teaching him how to cook.”

“Thanks.”

He watches Jack walks away for a few moments before turning back to Anna, wiping his hands on a rag. “So, back to your ‘old self’?”

Anna smiles at him. “Almost. Jack was able to remove much of the shadow from my grace, but there is still some work to be done.” She moves closer to him. “I wanted to thank you, Dean.”

“Oh? For what?”

She’s getting uncomfortably close now, but Dean figures that’s just how angels are. Cas used to do it all the time. Still does, to be honest, though now Dean welcomes the intimacy rather than finding it uncomfortable. While Anna was human for some time, she’d spent most of her life as an angel. There’s probably something to be said for falling back into old habits.

“You helped me, all those years ago. Tried to protect me. And Jack told me that if you hadn’t called out to him when you did, I might have hurt someone else.” She’s looking up at him through her lashes now, closer than before. How had he not noticed how close she had gotten?

He tries to back up, uncomfortable with the proximity, but the side of the car prevents him from going anywhere. “Oh, no, that wasn’t me. Cas was the one that realized what happened to all of you.”

“Still, thank you, Dean.” And before he can even blink, she’s kissing him.

His mind blanks for a second when soft lips touch his. For a moment, instinct to return the kiss wars with the visceral reaction to shove her away. But, it’s Anna, someone he once shared something with, and he doesn’t want to hurt her. He freezes, hands half-raised, unsure what to do.

Then, he hears the front door slam and when he looks up, it’s to blue eyes staring at them, wide and hurt, for all that the rest of Cas’s face remains expressionless. And that’s all it takes for Dean to snap out of his idle state. He takes hold of Anna’s shoulders, pushing her back firmly. “Cas!” He calls. “Wait!”

But the angel is already gone.

“Dammit!” Dean curses, running towards the house, Anna forgotten in his hurry to get to the house. His only thought is to see if Jack will be willing to track Cas down for him so he can explain. “Jack!”

The kid meets him at the door. “Dean? Where’s Cas? He came out to get you for dinner.”

“He’s gone,” Dean spits.

“What do you mean ‘he’s gone’?”

Dean shakes his head. “I don’t have time to explain. Can you find him?” When Jack squints at him, Dean breaks down a little. “Jack, please. I need to find him.”

Jack closes his eyes, a distant expression his face. Dean can see his eyes move under their lids, like he’s looking for something in the dark. After a moment, he opens them again. “He’s not far. His wings gave out a few miles from here.” The concerned crease is back between Jack’s eyes. “Why did he try to fly? He knows his wings aren’t healed yet. I should go to him.”

“No!” Dean grabs his arm. “Unless he needs immediate attention, let me go first.”

For a long moment, Jack studies him. Whatever he sees there seems to forestall any more protest. “He should be fine. Just exhausted. Head north.”

The words are barely out of Jack’s mouth before Dean’s whirling away from him and towards his car. He slams the hood of the Impala down. He hesitates at the driver’s side door, looking across the car at Anna, where she had remained standing after he’d pushed her away. “Er.”

The smile she gives him is a little sad, but full of understanding. “I’m fine. Go find Castiel.” He gives her a nod, opening the car door. "And Dean?" He looks back up at her. "I'm sorry. I didn't know. Can you tell him that? Please?"

"Yeah," he croaks out, and then he’s in car and the Impala roars to life. Metallica strains out from the speakers as he drives. It’s not until he hears the chorus the first time that he realizes what song she’s playing to him.

“Yeah,” he mutters to her. “I wouldn’t forgive me, either.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song the Impala plays to Dean at the end is The Unforgiven- Metallica
> 
> I'm sorry! It got long again! I'm almost sure the next one will be the last one. A huge thank you everyone that has left kudos and/or comments so far!


	5. I'll Be Your Fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title song Ghosttown- Madonna (Okay, so it's not classic rock, but I'm obsessed with the song right now and it's the last chapter.)

Jack is right. Cas hasn’t gotten very far. Dean’s been driving for less than fifteen minutes when he spots a crumpled form in an onion field and he instinctively knows it’s Cas. He’s got the car over on the side of the road and is stumbling out of it before he even realizes that he’s moved.

He’s crouching over the trembling form, reaching out to touch the angel’s shoulder, when a gravelly voice says, “don’t.”

Dean freezes, hand outstretched, still wanting to touch but also knowing that it isn’t about what he wants right now. Reluctantly, he curls his fingers back and away from Cas’s shoulder, and remains crouching next to him instead. For long moments, there is nothing but the sound of Cas’s gasping breaths and the rustle of the plants stirred by the wind.

Eventually, the silence is too much and Dean breaks. “Look, Cas, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you.”

Cas flinches, curling tighter into himself. “No, Dean, you don’t have to- I know you don’t-” He cuts himself off before he finishes his statement.

Dean frowns down at him. “You ‘know I don’t’ what?”

Cas looks nervously off to the side. “This is about my confession. About Anna. I know you two had a connection, before…”

Before. Before, when they were trying to prevent the Apocalypse for the first time. Before Anna got her grace back. Before Michael killed her using his father’s body.

Before Dean realized that he’d been drawn to Castiel from the first moment he’d seen the angel. Since that night in the barn, when Cas had walked in, confident and unflinching, Dean had been fascinated by him. When Cas told him that he deserved to be saved and then spent the next twelve years showing him how much he believed in Dean; their bonds had drawn even closer.

There had never been a chance for anyone else, after that. There would never be anyone else for Dean. Cas was it for him.

Now, to get the stupid self-deprecating angel to understand that.

“…and I understand that you can’t return those feelings. I was always aware of that.” Cas is saying.

And, God- Jack, whatever- Dean has never heard the angel sound so defeated before. It makes him ache for him. All he wants to do is relieve whatever pain Cas is in, but he’s not quite sure how to do it, other than tell Cas his truth and hope it’s enough.

“Cas, I don’t think-”

“No, Dean, please. You don’t have to say it. I don’t think I can bear to hear you say it.”

Dean frowns at him. “Cas,” he says slowly. “What, exactly, do you think I’m trying to say here?”

He watches as Cas’s hands curl and uncurl and then the angel stands up, pulling himself to his full height. It’s a tick that Cas has very rarely displayed in the past, usually before he says something that he recognizes will be uncomfortable for both parties. Dean stands as well, watching Cas’s face carefully. The angel’s face is almost perfectly blank. It reminds Dean of before he’d gotten to know Cas. It makes something in his chest ache. He’d never wanted to see the angel’s face like that again.

Finally, Cas says, “You came out here because you’re a good friend, Dean. But that’s all I am to you. What you have with Anna, it’s stronger. I know that.”

“What?”

Bright, blue eyes look up at him. “I appreciate that you wanted to do it in an environment where we would not be interrupted, but I assure you, it was unnecessary. I would have come back.”

“Cas, I didn’t-”

The angel talks right over him. “Of course, I would never let this affect our friendship.” Here the angel hesitates, looking unsure of himself. “That is, if you still want to be friends.”

“Of course, I still want to be friends!” How could Cas think that Dean would ever want to be without him? Had he really fucked up so badly over the years?

Well, yes, he had. At first because he only called for the angel when he needed something. And later, because he never asked Cas to stay. Not until the very end. No wonder Cas never knew where he’d stood with Dean. How much he means to Dean.

Cas looks relieved. “Oh, that’s good. I had worried, a little, but I knew you’d be too good of a man to spurn a friendship just because one party developed feelings beyond those of kinship with you. Especially when the being in question does not occupy a form you are attracted to. It’s one of the traits I admire most-”

“Cas. You’re rambling.”

He immediately looks down, contrite. “Sorry.”

“No, that’s not…” Sighing, Dean takes hold of the angel’s shoulders. “Cas, there’s something I need to say to you, and I would really appreciate it if you would let me say it without interrupting me. Okay?”

“Of course, Dean.”

Dean takes a deep breath. “Right. Okay.” He’s going to say it. Really, he is. It’s just… big. From a distance, Phil Collins filters in from the background. “Not helping,” he mutters, glaring at the car. She just turns the music up a little more.

“Dean?” Cas is looking at him like he’s not sure if he should be amused or afraid. 

And suddenly, Dean can’t wait anymore. Phil’s right. He’s been waiting his entire life for this. He’d be stupid to let it pass him by because he’s afraid of saying a few words. So, gently, he hooks a finger under Cas’s jaw and tips his head up, looking him in the eyes. “I want you to listen to me very carefully, you giant feather-duster. All right?”

“Yes, Dean.”

“Cas,” Dean says, and this time, he doesn’t hesitate to grasp the angel’s shoulder. “Anna and I don’t have a connection. We never have. Not like you and me. Got it?” Cas nods.

“I don’t know where you got the idea that I don’t want you around.” He hesitates, and then backtracks. “No, actually, I do. I pushed you away when I wanted you close. I never asked you to stay, not until the very end.” He squeezes the shoulder in his grip. “But I’ve never wanted you to leave. Even when you’re being a giant pain in my ass, I’d rather have you here than not.” Gently, he cups his other hand to Cas’s cheek.

“Second, I don’t blame you for me dying. It was my own stupid mistake and it’s not your fault you were stuck in the Empty longer than anticipated.” He rubs a thumb along Cas’s cheekbone. “It’s not your job to save me.”

At this, Cas tries to pull away, but Dean holds on, curling his fingers tightly into dark hair. “Dean, you can’t mean that.” His hand comes up, long fingers to circling Dean’s wrist, pulling gently.

Dean drops his hand to his shoulder instead, gripping tightly to both now. “Do you blame me for not searching for you after the Empty took you? For trying to live my life without you?”

Cas looks horrified at the thought. “No! Of course not! There was no way you could have known that Jack was having a difficult time getting me out. Besides, I was prepared to stay there for all of eternity.”

Well, since they were airing all their dirty laundry now, Dean might as well get this out. “But Cas, I didn’t even try to look for you.” And no, he can feel the tears well up in eyes. He lets his hands fall from Cas’s shoulders.

It’s Cas’s turn to touch Dean. He gently rests his fingertips on Dean’s chest. “There was nothing you could have done. There was no way for you to gain access to the Empty and the ritual that Nick used to summon Lucifer was lost with him. Only divine intervention could have saved me.” Tears are starting to run down Cas’s face. “Only Jack could have pulled me out.”

“I still wish I’d tried. Been able to do more.” The tears are really starting to flow now. This was so not how Dean had imagined this going. “Do you forgive me?”

“Dean,” Cas says helplessly. “There’s nothing to forgive.”

“Ditto.” At Cas’s confused look, he explains. “It’s not your fault I died. It was my time. I’m okay with that. Understood?” 

Cas nods. “Okay. I understand.”

He cups his hand back over Cas’s cheek. “I’m here now, anyway. With you.” He threads the fingers of his other hand through Cas’s hair and stares into those deep blue eyes. “And honestly? There’s no other place I’d rather be.”

Cas covers Dean’s hand with his own. “Dean…”

“If you’re not there, I don’t want it, Cas. Seriously. Life without you...I was alive, but I wasn’t really livin’. I tried. For you, I tried to be the man you see me as.” Dean’s voice is rough with all the emotion he feels. Everything that he has bottled up over the years is spilling out of him. “I’m at my best when you’re with me. That’s a fact.” He leans in closer, until he can feel Cas’s breath brush across his lips. “I love you, too,” he says, before pressing his lips to the full ones he’s ached to know for years and has barely gotten to taste recently.

“ _What I want, you’ve got_ ,” blares the Impala happily. Dean disentangles one hand from Cas’s hair to show his middle finger to the car. “ _And it might be hard to handle_ ,” she continues, unperturbed. At least it isn’t Phil Collins anymore, Dean thinks. Though, he’s not sure Hall and Oates is any better.

There’s a brief, stunned moment where Castiel had been frozen and Dean began to doubt himself, before Cas pushes his whole being into the kiss. Cas tilts his head and slots his lips against Dean’s like he was born to it. Really, Dean shouldn’t be surprised at well Cas can kiss considering the show Cas had put on for him and Sam with Meg so long ago combined with his current personal experience. The angel knew how to kiss. Very well. 

Soon, Dean is running his tongue along the seam of the angel’s mouth, begging for entrance. Cas grants it immediately and Dean sweeps in, exploring every millimeter he can reach and being explored just as thoroughly in return.

Slowly, he pulls back, giving little nipping kisses as he goes. "Cas?"

The angel's eyes are still closed, kiss-bruised mouth slightly open. It makes a subtle heat stir low in Dean's belly. "Yes, Dean?"

"Let's say you and I go get more comfortable." He motions with his head towards the car.

"Okay," the angel murmurs, eyes still closed.

Dean grins and guides him by the hand to the back seat of the Impala. He presses Cas flat against the leather and climbs in after him. And okay, he must admit, it's not really more comfortable being cramped into the car like this but Dean had really wanted to get Cas horizontal on a semi-flat surface, and this was the closest available option. Looking down at the angel laid out before him, he can't regret the decision.

Helpfully, the Impala switches from Hall and Oates to Marvin Gaye.

“Okay, that’s it.” He straightens up and glares over at the dash. “Do you _mind_?”

"Dean?"

“Not you, Cas. The car.”

Cas sits up as well and glances over the back seat. “She loves you very much.” He says it like it’s obvious and he’s judging Dean for not being sensitive to Baby’s affections.

“What?” Dean blinks at him, confused.

“Baby. It’s why she’s here. She insisted on being here with you. Because she loves you.” Cas smiles up at him, like he didn’t just say the most ridiculous thing ever and Dean falls in love with him a little more.

He smiles back down at the angel and leans in closer. “Oh? What about you?”

Cas leans back, shifting get more comfortable on the seat. “Of course, I love you, Dean.”

It causes his heart to flutter a little, when Cas says it. Not that he'd admit it to anyone, if he was asked. “Glad to hear it.” He closes the distance between them.

Soon, the kisses turn from sweet and gentle to wet and passionate. Dean’s kissing his way down the side of Cas’s neck, fingers working their way under the angel’s shirt, when he hears his name being called.

"Yeah, Cas?" He idly traces his fingertips up the angel's sides, pressing lightly into the hard muscle. The T-shirt Cas is wearing is fitted and shows off the shape of him in a way the baggy suits never have. It does good things for him.

"Are you- do you-" Cas bites at his bottom lip, which is distracting in its own right, but something about the tone of the other's voice makes Dean pull back a little.

"What is it?"

Cas looks off to the side. "Would it be… I could, if you wanted, take on a different form?" His eyes dart to Dean's face before quickly looking away again. "Maybe you'd find...something else… pleasing?"

Dean stares down at his angel in disbelief. Cas can't possibly be offering what he thinks he is, is he? "I- what? No, Cas." He lays a palm gently on Cas's stomach. "Of course, I don't want that. I like you just the way you are."

Cas looks pleased, but still a little unsure. "Oh, okay, you just seemed… hesitant?"

"Not hesitant, Cas. I'm savoring the moment. And I want to make sure it's good for you." He grins down at the angel. "Okay?"

Castiel nods, looking more at ease now. "Of course, it will be good, Dean. It will be with you."

Dean groans and leans forward, burying his head into the crook of Cas's neck. "You can't say shit like that to me, Cas."

He can feel the waves of puzzlement coming from the angel. "Why not?" Castiel asks as he turns his head, grazing his lips over the top of Dean's ear.

"Because I'm trying to take it slow," he answers. "Like I said before; savoring."

He pushes himself up onto all fours above Cas. The angel's legs are spread over his thighs, one leg is pressed up against the seat while the other trails off onto the floor. At some point his shirt has ridden up enough to reveal a strip of pale skin and a narrow trail of dark hair.

Dean moans at the picture Cas makes, spread out before him. "Fuck it," he mutters. He looks up at the angel. "Let me know if I do something you don't like." He presses a kiss to Cas's lips, tasting him once more before pulling back. "And feel free to touch me back. I promise I'll like it," he winks.

Having now given himself permission to do so, along with Cas's lack of protest, he starts touching the angel more firmly. He runs his hands down over the well-defined torso and back up again, under his shirt, reveling in the feel of soft skin in counterpoint to the coarse hair of his chest. He rucks the shirt up until dusky nipples are revealed and then leans down to lick at one of them.

Cas has taken that as his cue to follow suit. He smooths his hands up and down Dean's back a few times before delving under his shirt. Cas's hands are smooth, hardly any calluses, with broad palms and long fingers. They feel like heaven on Dean's skin.

Soon, Cas gets impatient enough to tug at Dean's shirt again. "Off," the angel demands simply.

Dean chuckles and complies, tugging Cas's shirt off as well. He leans down again to kiss him, groaning at the sensation of their bare torsos rubbing against each other. He uses one hand to help keep his full weight off Cas while the other more thoroughly explores the angel's bare skin.

He trails kisses down Cas's neck, which earns him a series of keening moans, so he does it again. He mouths his way down the angel's chest and stomach until he's met with the line of Cas's pants. He runs at it with one finger. "It okay if I take these off?"

Cas nods frantically, flushed from face to chest. Dean grins and slowly pops the button and then unzips them. Cas isn't wearing anything underneath. Which, after Dean suppresses the reflexive shudder that runs through him, makes sense. He doesn't have to worry about the perils of getting caught in his zipper.

By this point, Dean's dick is straining against the fabric of his jeans, but he's too focused on Cas to care. He slides Cas's pants down to mid-thigh and then leaves them there, trapping Cas in the fabric. He runs his hands up exposed, hairy thigh to the rather nice erection that Cas is sporting.

"Dean." Cas's voice is a wreck as he reaches for him. He's sweaty from the heat of the car and their bodies rubbing against each other. Dean does as Cas demands and leans in for a filthy kiss. He feels hands at the button of his own jeans and moans when knuckles accidentally press against his straining dick.

"God, Cas, you feel so good." He mutters into Cas's mouth. "Taste so good." He's got a hand around Cas's hot member, palming it gently. He pulls back again to look down at the shirtless angel spread before him. "Want you like this all the time." 

He's beautiful, Cas is. His chest is heaving with every breath. His lips are swollen from Dean's kisses. His hipbones stand out starkly from his torso, drawing Dean's eye to his erection that is leaking precome onto his stomach.

After that it’s wet and messy and so good. All heat and smooth skin and desperate kisses. Cas’s fingernails dig into the skin around Dean’s shoulder blades leaving marks that Dean wills to stay for at least a little while. Dean, for his part, tries to suck permanent marks onto Cas’s collar bones. Dean is barely able to get his own jeans out of the way, even with the angel's help before they come together all over Cas's stomach.

After, they lay panting against each other, Cas absently stroking up and down Dean's bare back and Dean’s got his head buried in the space between the angel’s shoulder and neck. It's comfortable, for all that it's not really. He's sticky with drying come and his back is starting to hurt from being hunched over, but he wouldn't trade this moment for the world. 

Having Cas like this- sleepy and content underneath him- after everything they've been through, is worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs this chapter: In the Air Tonight- Phil Collins, You Make My Dreams Come True- Hall and Oates, Sexual Healing- Marvin Gaye
> 
> (Bonus: Like a Prayer playing at some point when Dean and Cas are suitably... distracted.)
> 
> Thank you all for sticking with me through to the end! I hope you enjoyed my take on what happens after 15x20. Please leave a comment or kudo if you enjoyed this work. And thank you to everyone for reading!


End file.
